Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloud
It seems to me that pedophilia isn't a choice (and who would choose it?); it's more of a sexual orientation. [...]
But let's say you are a young man, and you come to realize that your sexual preference really is prepubescent children. What the hell do you do?
-try to ignore it? and hope it doesn't become so compelling that you become a predator
--try therapy? which doesn't seem to be of much help
--give in to it and hate yourself, or disassociate your actions so much you don't even acknowledge it?
--become a priest or a boy scout leader?
--blow your head off because there's no hope?
 I just don't know. And glad it's not me! |
Hi Cloud.
These are good questions and demonstrate greater than usual humanity toward this population. With expansion of human rights and equality to previously excluded groups, paedophilia has become a last resort for legitimate prejudice and scapegoating. Indeed, despising paedophiles allows a rare opportunity for ordinary people to assert their feelings of moral superiority and bolster their personal self image.
As somebody who is attracted to children --and who has been conscious of and self-conscious about these feelings since well before puberty, and who has NEVER committed any kind of sexual offence-- I can tell you it
is difficult living with paedophilia, but also that much of the difficulty stems from unremitting social stigma and intolerance. I can also tell you that most paedophiles do not abuse children, and that much -probably most- child sexual abuse of children is perpetrated by non-paedophiles.
Anyway, you mentioned some options, so I'll comment on them...
-try to ignore it? and hope it doesn't become so compelling that you become a predator
This is the worst possible strategy, but unfortunately it is the one most paedophiles settle on. The reason for this is that most internalize the following syllogism:
- paedophiles are bad
- i am a paedophile
- i am bad
Being intrinsically beyond redemption, a paedophile has no motive to analyze his situation, attitudes or behaviour, and no motive to seek help, support or advice. Instead he goes into a state of denial and keeps his feelings hidden, even from himself. This can be a recipe for disaster.
--try therapy? which doesn't seem to be of much help
Paedophilia is a stable sexual orientation. Unfortunately the majority of therapists are poorly trained in this area. Information about paedophilia is heavily biased toward forensic and child protection agendas, and offers little comfort to paedophiles themselves. Therapists have become fixated on 'reparative' therapies, much as they did until very recently with homosexuality.
This failed duty of care reflects very poorly on clinical standards. These services
must be free, informed and confidential, yet in many jurisdictions, therapists are mandated to report paedophile clients to authorities. Obviously this will guarantee that no sensible paedophile will ever seek voluntary help there.
As it happens, despite some very bad experiences, over the years I've found two separate therapists who have been a huge help to me. Both of these have been very kind and accepting, and have reassured me that my orientation is not a moral failing or a mental illness. Its hard to convey how healing this has been for me. It's paralyzing to experience one's nature as fundamentally at odds with one's own values of care and empathy, and even worse to feel deeply ashamed of it and compelled to keep it a secret. The negative psychological consequences of intense stigma have been well canvassed in discussions of homosexuality, and its no different for paedophiles.
For me, this therapy has been invaluable, but only because my therapists were sympathetic and supportive and never sought to pathologize or change my orientation. This isn't to suggest that they never sought to ensure my conduct remain within accepted social constraints. This objective was sometimes much on their minds, and that priority was accepted by me as relevant. I should also point out that I paid for all of this therapy myself, spending many thousands of dollars. For many minor attracted people, such self funding is simply not an option.
--give in to it and hate yourself, or disassociate your actions so much you don't even acknowledge it?
This option pretty much goes hand in hand with the first one
-try to ignore it. They are the poles of a single complex and reinforce each other. A person ignores his situation, does nothing to process it in a conscious way, forces it into the subconcious realms of his instinctive behaviour, and then finds himself acting out in ways he maybe hoped he wouldn't. Unable to confront the reality of his actions, he pushes them further underground, strengthens his denial and the cycle continues. This is why self-acceptance is so fundamental to self management, and why stigma is so counter-productive.
--become a priest or a boy scout leader?
Believe it or not, this is a popular option, and one i think should be perfectly acceptable. Personally I'd prefer to hang out with Brownies than Boy Scouts, but so long as appropriate conduct is maintained with the children, i don't see the problem. I've often gone out of my way to spend time with kids, especially in the years since I've learned to feel less inhibited and ashamed of my orientation. I've had some really great friendships with them, and not a few remain close friends as adults, fully aware of my orientation.
--blow your head off because there's no hope?
I first sought therapy after a suicide attempt. Being male, this wasn't a 'cry for help', it was a serious attempt to end my life. It was only by pure luck that I survived. It gave me a big scare and utterly changed my attitude to my condition, leading to me where I am now. Things are still difficult for me sometimes, but the difficulties are mainly extrinsic, presented by society, rather than by a lot of emotional knots twisting up my insides.
cont...