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breakingnews · 10-23-2003, 11:39 PM

Ick, I have to be honest here. I have a nasty editor side that emerges every so often.

You write very well and fluidly, and you paint a fabulous picture.

I think, however, that you're overwriting in many places. Too much description where it's not necessary - there are congested sentences that detract from the flow. Find more striking adjectives that show action rather than describe it. Condense images to how one might really perceive a scene. First sentence, for example: what do zombies do? What does the place really look like? "She lumbered through the blood-soaked battlefield, girded by heaps of limp bodies." (That also sets up the turf for the whole bare feet - footprint thing at the end of the graf) How about: "The hem of her white gown was torn and bloodied beneath mismatched bits of armor strapped loosely to her gaunt body."

Your descript of the body parts "strewn about" was fantastic though. Made me shudder.

A good catch phrase is "Kill your babies." I'm sure you've heard it before - a teacher of mine describes it as a flowery phrase around which you're trying to write a whole novel. Get rid of it and you're on your way. Anne Lamott's 'Bird by bird' is my favorite reference when I'm unsure about the 10,000 words of entangled shit that I just typed.

Sorry to be so critical.

I do, however, enjoy helping people with their work, so if you want more comments, just email me. If I'm the worst person ever, well ... bleh.

10-23-2003, 11:39 PM	#2
breakingnews Q_Q Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: somewhere in between Posts: 995	Ick, I have to be honest here. I have a nasty editor side that emerges every so often. You write very well and fluidly, and you paint a fabulous picture. I think, however, that you're overwriting in many places. Too much description where it's not necessary - there are congested sentences that detract from the flow. Find more striking adjectives that show action rather than describe it. Condense images to how one might really perceive a scene. First sentence, for example: what do zombies do? What does the place really look like? "She lumbered through the blood-soaked battlefield, girded by heaps of limp bodies." (That also sets up the turf for the whole bare feet - footprint thing at the end of the graf) How about: "The hem of her white gown was torn and bloodied beneath mismatched bits of armor strapped loosely to her gaunt body." Your descript of the body parts "strewn about" was fantastic though. Made me shudder. A good catch phrase is "Kill your babies." I'm sure you've heard it before - a teacher of mine describes it as a flowery phrase around which you're trying to write a whole novel. Get rid of it and you're on your way. Anne Lamott's 'Bird by bird' is my favorite reference when I'm unsure about the 10,000 words of entangled shit that I just typed. Sorry to be so critical. I do, however, enjoy helping people with their work, so if you want more comments, just email me. If I'm the worst person ever, well ... bleh.