[xoxoxoBruce]

1. I was walking through the cemetary this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning". He said no just taking a shit.

2. My girlfriend was in labour with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs". She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you fucker," I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said "it'll be too painful."

3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me" Because I am trying to examine you."

4. I was walking down the road today and saw my afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fuckin start?."

5. I parked in a disabled person's spot today and a cop yelled at me "Show me proof of your disability." I shouted back at him, "Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole."