[Shawnee123]

I think a lot of things needed to be said, and they were.

Thank you Dana, for listening to me and for understanding my non-understanding of the peacemaker thing. Though I admire that about you, it is harder when you're watching it from within the muck...

I think a lot of jim and jinx. I think they're good people. Have we always agreed? Hell no! I'm sure we've all seethed at each other. To me, though, it's more than e-friends: it's like family. We can fight like cats and dogs, but let some outsider dare to cross a line and, well, god help ya.

I was remiss in letting the original attack go. It seemed that I had often come to the defense of someone, only to see them patch it up later and I'm the outside crazy girl. I had resigned myself to this: eh, no one listens to me anyway, even when it's something I actually KNOW something about, so I'll just keep trying to be funny and wait to be discovered by a comedy writing team. But, as my temper is legendary, when I did express what I thought of BigV's superhero act and got the business from Daffo...backed into a corner Shawnee is not a good thing, and anyone within distance will hear the wrath.

This is me. Me magnified, no doubt, but that's why I've felt the attachment to this place: I talk about things here that I don't get to talk about IRL. Besides my best buddy and my family, I don't form deep relationships often. I have many many friends, many people who care about me, and who i care about, but when it comes to people I actually would hang out with, talk about my fears and problems and good things...few and far between.

It began to feel that I wasn't supposed to have success, that the only way I was anyone here was when things were bad. I felt guilty that my years of crap had finally turned around. I wanted my friends to say "Damn girl, good for you." I don't blame anyone, and I shouldn't need that validation, but I noticed, and it was a bit hurtful.

I have a couple reactions to being hurt: disappearing, or coming out fighting. There are reasons for this that I won't get into...but it builds up.

If I were in a "heated discussion" in real life, with a KNOWN person, and a stranger came up and told me I was horrible and formed all sorts of opinions about a history they know nothing about, all hell would break loose. The reaction would be just as it was here: who the fuck are YOU, and you just brought on something you should have stayed the hell out of. If, in real life, someone called me a stupid cunt, it wouldn't be just me rising up with the proverbial pitchfork.

Anyway, I appreciate the defenses, and the PMs. I don't know what happens from here, but at the very least I think it's good it's all out in the open.