I feel like I'm losin' it -- I need a pat on the back, or maybe a kick in the ass. This is gonna be a long post, I'm afraid.
My mom died in December 2007. I'm an only child. This is good because there's nobody else to divvy things up with. This is bad, because there's nobody else to HELP. Well, except for my husband, and he's pretty busy. So all the executor stuff, all the packing/sorting/tossing/cleaning of her belongings has fallen to me.
Mom had a condo, a fairly big one, with 2 bedrooms, a 2 car garage and 2 walk-in closets. Mom always was kind of a sentimental packrat, though we did get rid of at least half her crap when we moved her from the house where I grew up. But there's still plenty. Going through it, donating things, packing things, moving things, has been a monumental job.
Straight away, I came into some funds from mom's estate -- and while I grieved her loss and wrapped my mind around this chunk of money and the responsibility that came with it, it suddenly hit me: I'd go back to college! I had always felt like such a loser for not finishing my degree. I knew that mom would have wanted that. So that's what I did. I absolutely THREW myself into college, putting in 110% at least. It's almost been obsessive.
Therefore, I've been incredibly busy the past year or so. Way too busy. And looking back, it's quite possible that going to college full time was not the brightest thing to do when I had a condo to clean out and sell.
18 months later, it still sits vacant.
For 18 months, I have been paying HOA fees, utilities, insurance and taxes on this stupid condo, because I have been "too busy" to get it emptied, cleaned, and sold.
I am absolutely ashamed of myself. This has been a terrible burden hanging over my head, but I can't seem to make myself do what I need to do!
At this point, it's almost empty inside except for a few things that need packed up and a few big things I need help moving, plus there's a ton of stuff in the garage. I figure I can put it on the market with things still in the garage, as long as the inside is empty. I just finished painting the bathrooms and tomorrow I plan to paint at least one bedroom. Damn, painting is hard work.
It's just so HARD. Yeah, I sound terribly whiny, but it just is. I want to pay someone to paint the place, but that seems like such a cop-out. I painted every bit of her house before we sold it about seven years ago; I can do this too. But I will pay someone to clean the disgusting carpets.
Now, all this stuff has to go somewhere, and I am terrible about not wanting to get rid of it. Every time I put things in a pile for a donation, I hear this voice in my head - it's my grandma, who wasn't very nice to me, saying: "you're getting rid of that? how ungrateful, don't you appreciate anything they gave you?" or "How could you get rid of that - that was your MOTHER'S!" (or, your father's!) Everything, I swear, has such memories attached to it. I miss my parents so much!
So it is piled in my family room, my office/sewing room, and in my garage. And there is more to come.
Furthermore, I cannot do anything to improve my house while the condo is there. Every time I think maybe I'd like to paint a room here, I remember I still have to paint the condo. All these projects we have planned - redoing our bathroom, replacing the kitchen floor, etc. - all must wait till the condo's done.
I feel like such a horrible person, in that catch-22 way. I feel guilty for wasting money and time and drawing this out longer than it needs to be, and I feel guilty for wanting to get it over with! I feel guilty for hanging on to stuff and keeping my family from having a nice home, and I feel guilty for wanting to get rid of the stuff.
I am totally going nuts. Totally.
