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daff0dil · 06-02-2009, 01:51 PM

This is much more clear than a "rough patch" to me. When you wrote you had a rough patch it could have ranged from anything from "I beat her" to "we both had the flu and it made us ornery" to "Working out cold feet"

What you are describing is a recipe for failure. I know. I know. I am coming off as one of the many nay sayers in this group, but I'll clarify:

Why I understand the request for chastity was based on some deeply held religious beliefs, and, most likely, a healthy dose of guilt, it strikes me as a very bad idea. I agree that physical intimacy creates bonds hard to describe or quantify. A brief break from sex in a relationship can stoke a fire or make things more exciting. But I think a long break from intimacy when intimacy was previously had just causes tension, confusion and in the end eliminates one of the main bonding activities a couple engage in, with frequency.

I am going to be generous and assume her desire to pursue this path with you was of pure intention, with the intent to make your eventual nuptuals more "special". It was probably not meant to be a game or a tactic.

But in the end I suspect this change created a mounting wall of tensions that could not be dispelled and probably hurt way more than it helped.

I also suspect that this girl is insanely confused and incapable, at the moment, of really knowing what she wants and believes.
She is a romantic, as well, from what you describe, which can beautiful, but also can create difficult and volatile situations.

I guess what I am trying to say is: You need to take a long long time to say goodbye. This will be true whether she provides perfect closure or never speaks to you again. I am of the mind that this girl, while possibly right for you in some ways, is not ready for commitment in any way. That being said, I am also of the mind that this probably will not pan out the way you wish it to.
But that doesn't mean, 2 weeks after the end, you have to be ready to move on. Ofcourse you aren't. Hold tight, process on your own, if you can afford it, maybe see a relationship therapist on your own to process your feelings so that you can move on to your next relationship with less baggage, or in the event this pans out in some way, work with her in ways that provide clarity and avoid this outcome again.

My final thought is also this: when you posted your initial posts things were too fresh. I suspect you were looking for absolution and a certain level of reassurance that you had done all you could and that she might come back to you.

Nothing is ever as cut and dried as that.

So here is my version of that, as this situation is still super fresh.
You acted like a human being in love with someone who had mounting levels of confusion presenting. You wanted to believe that if she saw how good you were together (on your weekend, which seemed to be going well) that realization would overpower her intense confusion and make her ready for marriage, but it didn't.

I think, very simply, it wowed her with it's romance (did I mention she was romantic) but once that overwhelming moment was gone, it also made her finally realize how very not ready for marriage she was.

I'd like to believe that this understanding, coupled with the realization that you were very ready, was probably the impetus to break it off, ultimately. That while she might have felt betrayed or blindsighted, what she really felt was shock and fear that she was involved with someone she loved but would continuously hurt if she stayed involved with them.

There.

06-02-2009, 01:51 PM	#255
daff0dil Profitable Prophet Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 30	This is much more clear than a "rough patch" to me. When you wrote you had a rough patch it could have ranged from anything from "I beat her" to "we both had the flu and it made us ornery" to "Working out cold feet" What you are describing is a recipe for failure. I know. I know. I am coming off as one of the many nay sayers in this group, but I'll clarify: Why I understand the request for chastity was based on some deeply held religious beliefs, and, most likely, a healthy dose of guilt, it strikes me as a very bad idea. I agree that physical intimacy creates bonds hard to describe or quantify. A brief break from sex in a relationship can stoke a fire or make things more exciting. But I think a long break from intimacy when intimacy was previously had just causes tension, confusion and in the end eliminates one of the main bonding activities a couple engage in, with frequency. I am going to be generous and assume her desire to pursue this path with you was of pure intention, with the intent to make your eventual nuptuals more "special". It was probably not meant to be a game or a tactic. But in the end I suspect this change created a mounting wall of tensions that could not be dispelled and probably hurt way more than it helped. I also suspect that this girl is insanely confused and incapable, at the moment, of really knowing what she wants and believes. She is a romantic, as well, from what you describe, which can beautiful, but also can create difficult and volatile situations. I guess what I am trying to say is: You need to take a long long time to say goodbye. This will be true whether she provides perfect closure or never speaks to you again. I am of the mind that this girl, while possibly right for you in some ways, is not ready for commitment in any way. That being said, I am also of the mind that this probably will not pan out the way you wish it to. But that doesn't mean, 2 weeks after the end, you have to be ready to move on. Ofcourse you aren't. Hold tight, process on your own, if you can afford it, maybe see a relationship therapist on your own to process your feelings so that you can move on to your next relationship with less baggage, or in the event this pans out in some way, work with her in ways that provide clarity and avoid this outcome again. My final thought is also this: when you posted your initial posts things were too fresh. I suspect you were looking for absolution and a certain level of reassurance that you had done all you could and that she might come back to you. Nothing is ever as cut and dried as that. So here is my version of that, as this situation is still super fresh. You acted like a human being in love with someone who had mounting levels of confusion presenting. You wanted to believe that if she saw how good you were together (on your weekend, which seemed to be going well) that realization would overpower her intense confusion and make her ready for marriage, but it didn't. I think, very simply, it wowed her with it's romance (did I mention she was romantic) but once that overwhelming moment was gone, it also made her finally realize how very not ready for marriage she was. I'd like to believe that this understanding, coupled with the realization that you were very ready, was probably the impetus to break it off, ultimately. That while she might have felt betrayed or blindsighted, what she really felt was shock and fear that she was involved with someone she loved but would continuously hurt if she stayed involved with them. There.