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DanaC · 04-03-2009, 09:15 PM

Oh, sweets, you just made me realise what it is I really would like...and really cannot have.

You used the word 'unaware'.

I'd like to be unaware of myself. Just to see what it's like. It's something I've never really experienced, except when asleep or concentrating hard on something (like a book). I don't know, maybe everyone's conscious of themselves, but other people seem to be able to forget themselves for a while and lose themselves in the moment. I don't think I recall ever, unless drunk, interacting with other people and not being aware of how I was presenting myself. I don;t mean competently aware, I may well be mistaken in what i think I am presenting. But I am never not presenting myself. Even when relaxed, even when perfectly at ease and at peace, if I am talking to someone, I am very conscious of my externalised self, my movements, my stance, the amount of eye contact I am making. All of it is quite conscious and sometimes pretty mechanical. Not dishonest, just ... deliberate. Like there's always a detached part of me observing, directing my part in the conversation.

It's no great mystery where that comes from *smiles* given my childhood experiences, and for the most part it serves me well these days. What started as crippling self-consciousness because of how I looked and all the other attendant stuff with eczema, that make you noticable (fidgeting, having to apply moisturiser every 20 mins or so, and therefore having greasy hands etc, scratching, suddenly noticing bloodstains on your school blouse. All makes you very aware of yourself, even if you can't actually stop the things that you're aware of) left me with the ability to walk into almost any situation and if necessary interact with large groups of people, without anybody ever thinking I am anything but relaxed.

I'm not saying I am unhappy with the way I am. I am now a fairly relaxed and carefree individual much of the time. But I am curious. There appears to be something other people do that I don't recall ever doing. Not ever, not even during the heights of passion.

04-03-2009, 09:15 PM	#20
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Oh, sweets, you just made me realise what it is I really would like...and really cannot have. You used the word 'unaware'. I'd like to be unaware of myself. Just to see what it's like. It's something I've never really experienced, except when asleep or concentrating hard on something (like a book). I don't know, maybe everyone's conscious of themselves, but other people seem to be able to forget themselves for a while and lose themselves in the moment. I don't think I recall ever, unless drunk, interacting with other people and not being aware of how I was presenting myself. I don;t mean competently aware, I may well be mistaken in what i think I am presenting. But I am never not presenting myself. Even when relaxed, even when perfectly at ease and at peace, if I am talking to someone, I am very conscious of my externalised self, my movements, my stance, the amount of eye contact I am making. All of it is quite conscious and sometimes pretty mechanical. Not dishonest, just ... deliberate. Like there's always a detached part of me observing, directing my part in the conversation. It's no great mystery where that comes from smiles given my childhood experiences, and for the most part it serves me well these days. What started as crippling self-consciousness because of how I looked and all the other attendant stuff with eczema, that make you noticable (fidgeting, having to apply moisturiser every 20 mins or so, and therefore having greasy hands etc, scratching, suddenly noticing bloodstains on your school blouse. All makes you very aware of yourself, even if you can't actually stop the things that you're aware of) left me with the ability to walk into almost any situation and if necessary interact with large groups of people, without anybody ever thinking I am anything but relaxed. I'm not saying I am unhappy with the way I am. I am now a fairly relaxed and carefree individual much of the time. But I am curious. There appears to be something other people do that I don't recall ever doing. Not ever, not even during the heights of passion.