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My wife and I started the bedtime routine with both of our children very early, within the first 3 months. We used a 5-10-15 method.
Put them down, let them cry for 5 minutes, go in, sooth them, put them down
Let them cry for 10 minutes, go in, sooth them, put them down,
Let them cry for 15 minutes, then go in, sooth them, put them back down.
For both kids, they never went past the 15 minute mark, and after about 3 nights of this, they both went down on time and stayed down. The same process works for midnight crying. Obviously, when the child is sick all bets are off, and you just have to hold them and rock them until they get down to sleep.
I'm not sure how important the 5-10-15 aspect is for the child, but for my wife and I it was psychologically very important. It gave us a plan, and a structure, and helped us feel like we were doing something and knew what came next in the process. Without that, it just becomes a disorienting blur of screaming and crying, especially in the middle of the night when you are both exhausted.
Sometimes just having a plan helps you make it through.
Good luck, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very hard.
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