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CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
***************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
*****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will
get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there
will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for
those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2007
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks!!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!!!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
*********************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
__________________
We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark.
I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them,
I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period.
 
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
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