[DanaC]

In my own experience of friends from that kind of culture, they tend to have more choice than people think. For example, a friend of mine (Imran) who's from Pakistan wanted to get married. He thought it was about time and he asked his parents to see what they could sort out. He ended up with a bunch of photos and letters from Girls and their families from the part of Pakistan his family are from. He chose a couple that seemed interesting and arrangements were made for some contact. Now, in normal circumstances where all live in the same area, this would be done via chaperoned visits, but because he's in England they ended up talking via webcam, telephone and email. He got along well with one girl and arrangements were well under way for the engagement. She came over to England for a visit, they ended up not getting on so well in person and she decided she didn't want to go ahead. The engagement was cancelled and there was a lot of upset, but nobody was forced and I believe she has now selected another potential suitor. Imran meanwhile is in contact with a third cousin from Lahore who may well end up as his wife.


That said, we have a serious problem in some parts of the Asian community with forced marriages. Young women who get taken on holiday to the old country only to find they've been set up with a husband. There are also other factors such as family pressure, where although the girl could say no, she is made to feel as if she really shouldnt and goes along with it. But really there are as many ways of conducting an arranged marriage as there are ways of meeting a love match. Sometimes the system is oppressive and forces people into a marriage they don't want. But sometimes the system is better than ours. For example: the horrible feeling of having been left on the shelf, or just not being able to find/attract a partner which many people o through in Western cultures is often mitigated by arranged marriages. Instead of choosing a partner based on the chance meeting of a likeminded soul, or the instant attraction of physical beauty which can leave a lot of people out in the cold, under many arranged marriage systems, the 'match making' is done by a third party and those people who may get left out of the marriage game in our society are more likely to find a partner and be able to have a family.

There are pros and cons to both systems, but it rests on how you view marriage: it's purpose and its role in the community. It also hinges on how you view your elders.