[DanaC]

Yes, but my post wasn't saying all abusive marriages are that way. I was suggesting that to look at arranged marriages as a system and conclude that they are abusive in nature, is as unreasonable as looking at the love match system of marriage and concluding the same. Much of what we see about arranged marriages in the media is actually stuff about forced marriage, but the two have become almost interchangeable in the western mind.

If someone from a culture who doesn't pracrtice love match marriages looks at our culture and how marriage appears to work, they could easily look at very real and very large problem of abusive marriages and arrive at a similar misunderstanding/stereotype of our way of doing things, as we have of theirs. The image I portrayed was that misconception/stereotype.

Of course not all abusive marriages follow that patern. But enough do that such a conclusion could be reached by someone taking an outsider's look at us.

When we think of arranged marriages, our western mindset sees something of a trap. It seems almost unnatural to have someone pick out your 'love' for you. Yet, even though we have had the concept of romantic love firmly embedded in our culture hundreds of years, in reality marriages were mostly 'arranged' by parents up until fairly recently, say the last hundred years. For most of my own culture's history marriage was something that involved parents of both parties even in the early part of the last century. The whole idea of 'asking for her hand in marriage' was a survival of that earlier approach.

In the upper classes marriages were routinely arranged by the elders ofthe community ( the 'right people' would be brought together in a dance or ball (think about the purpose of the 'coming out ball' where the debutantes were launched onto the scene in front of all the respectable young men). Aunts and mothers and fathers all conspired to bring about the 'right match' usually between two families who wished to link.

In the lower classes the parents had just as much sway over things. At festivals and so forth, elders may conspire to get the right young people together and even the many who simply met someone and fell in love would not have been able to wed unless parental approval was given.

To a culture that has arranged marriages as the norm, this will seem eminently sensible. How can someone so young meet someone and know that they will always be in love? How can they be sure this person is good for them? Big decisions to be taken by a callow youth. Far better maybe, to marry someone who has been properly vetted and chosen by people who know both parties well enough and are experienced in life enough, to make a proper judgement of suitability.

Not the way I would have it...but I can see the logic. When they look at our society and see the levels of divorce and, yes, the well publicised problem with domesic violence they probably see a system which to them looks very very flawed.