I don't know you and I haven't followed your saga. But I can tell you that I am about to log off because I have to leave now for a very dear friend's funeral. He took his own life 3 days ago rather than split up with his partner. He couldn't imagine life outside of the relationship and decided it wasn't worth it. I have spoken to literally hundreds of people in the last 3 days that are stunned and horrified at the loss of this good man. He was a good friend to each and every one of us. He was always there. Yet he saw no value in his life. So we don't have him anymore.
Pick up the phone and call a friend right now. Tell him/her how you are feeling. Don't stop talking until you can't think of another word to say. The ask them to hold you accountable for your emotional state on a daily basis. The people around you DO want to help. I'm sure of that.
Hire a professional to walk you through this emotional mess. Do it immediately. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer.
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Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin
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