[Sundae]

Well I'm getting organised, and happier. My first emotion when I wake up isn't fear, and the knot in my stomach seems to be loosening. It doesn't feel like real life yet, but that's possibly because it doesn't conform to what I have been brought up to see as normal - get up, go to work, earn some money, spend some money, come home.

I am registered with a good, modern practice and my GP has put me back on paroxetine (Seroxat/ Paxil). I go back in 30 days to see how I'm getting on. I'm waiting for the side effects to kick in like they did last time - the loss of appetite would be helpful for a start! I don't know if it has less effect if you've taken it before - that sounds like dodgy science, but I have to think of some reason I'm not twitching like a fool this time...

I seem to be eligible for a number of benefits that will allow me to mend myself before having to find work. I feel slightly sheepish about this, and certainly about admitting it here where I know benefits are considered to be a cop-out unless you are actually physically incapable of work. In my defence I do have a very strong work ethic and have had two or three simultaneous jobs most of my adult life. I have never had any form of support from the system (aside from things that everyone has like education and healthcare) and I genuinely feel if I take this time and get myself properly well I will be able to make a much more effective contribution to society. And yes, I'm justifying it to myself more than you.

Unfortunately I had to get back in contact with my previous workplace to get my final payslip (lost in the move) before I can complete my claim. Despite asking them on Monday and explaining I was penniless until the forms were processed, I have still not received this - which I feel is a little disrespectful when I worked hard for them for over 3 years and bent over backwards to be helpful and accommodating. So the short term money situation is grim - probably another 2 weeks before I get it sorted. Still, there is food in the freezer and cupboard, I have a huge plasma screen tv with satellite channels and the boys and I have a clean, safe home over our heads so I really mustn't sulk - things could be so much worse.

On Monday I go to a clinic to discuss my issues with alcohol. The counselling service I was originally referred to suggested I may be alcohol dependent, so I have to see a medical service before they can take me. Although I've been referred, it's essentially a self-referral clinic and Monday is their drop in day, so it's not like I'm considered a serious problem to the rest of the population. I just figured while I was trying to sort my life out I may as well try to sort it all out.

I feel I've been given a period of grace - it might be the eye of the storm but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts at least. I've been reading, watching tv and taking reasonably long walks. I've been able to unpack all my belongings, arrange my room, keep myself and my clothes and this place clean and contact the various authorities in order to get in order, if you see what I mean. I see all this as very positive. I can only trust that there will be progress, in its own time, and ambition, and a return to normal life.