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Deuce. Please, please get some counselling. Many of us here are only too willing to listen and to offer advice, but you need someone who knows what they are doing/talking about. You sound to me like you are carrying too heavy a weight to deal with alone. There is nothing shameful in seeking help. You don't have to deal with this by yourself. Talk to your doctor, seek some counselling, please.
All good thoughts you Deuce.
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