[Sundae]

The problems that are overwhelming me at the moment are practical.
The reason that they are overwhelming is mental.

I do feel like I can't go on, that I have no way out and the only thing to do is run away - one way or another. I spent last night awake until after 03.00, running through plans in my head to dump my cats on a former work colleague and simply abandon my flat and take off. If I hadn't had the cats to think about I might have left last night.

Morning brings counsel of course, and I realised if I was scared, unhappy and trapped in my own flat last night, how could I possibly improve my lot by sleeping rough on a street somewhere, with danger, hunger and physical discomfort added to my problems.

I think that might be what some people don't understand about wanting to kill yourself - it feels like the only way to end the problems. Moving won't help - they come with you, you are the problem in effect - you are broken and can't mend. That's how I feel at least.

I know if I just ran away and abandoned everything then the mess I am so ashamed of (figuratively and literally) would be found by my family and friends. I also know I wouldn't be there to face the music, so it has some appeal. I also know the stress and worry it would cause them - and the grief if I died as a result - would leave them with a terrible guilt. They would wonder why I couldn't ask them for help.

But how can I? At what point can you say to people who love you, "I know this isn't fair. I know it's my own mess. I know all the time I was getting myself into this trouble you were living sensibly and working hard and maintaining standards and I wasn't. But I want your help to get myself out of this mess because I can't cope."

I know, given the choice they would rather I let them in. I also know they would despise me if I did, and never trust me as a responsible adult again. How can you tell people you feel you are literally at breaking point without sounding like you are emotionally blackmailing them?