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sky, xoxoxobruec:
First, thank you for your kind replies.
I really do want the pain to stop. THAT'S what I want. I don't feel like killing myself. But I want the pain to stop. I don't think of suicide as punishing others, only as a way to make the pain stop. Ok. Today I'm kind of ok, so suicide it stupid today. (stupid all the time, so stipulated) But I am sometimes stupid. And it would be effective. Shit, I don't want to sound like I'm justifying it. I'm not.
I think a far far better use of my energy and time and effort would be to try to find an answer to the points discussed. The root causes of the pain. And not just my openness and not just my faults in the relationships.
Wow, Bruce, you're smart. Not kiddng, not mocking. Really, you're right. I need to laugh it off, consider the source, or get the hell away from them. Those are strategies that I use to great effect with all the other similar sources in my life. These sources are a lot harder to deal with using any of these strategies.
I can't laugh it off anymore. I can't. I've tried, but I'm done with that. Getting away has complications too. But it does have the useful aspect that it can be used immediately and repeatedly. Just walk away, walk away clean. Take a time out. For myself and the others. This has potential for acute problems, but for the chronic problems, it doesn't work for me. I'm not abandoning any of these people, and it doesn't look like they're going anywhere either.
Which leaves me with considering the source. This is good, really good. Especially for the younger ones, I can "consider the source" and be disappointed perhaps at the lack of maturity, but I'm the adult, and I have the responsibility and the ability to get over it. I can do that. I can do that some more. For the other adults in the same situation, this will be harder and it will have some unfortunate side effects. I will be asserting myself more and I can tell you right now, that's gonna be gas on the fire. I *do* know what's right and what's wrong. I *do* know what I'm thinking and what my motives are. When those truths are violated, I'll just have to consider that "they're doing their best, and to cut them some slack". On the interaction side. On the effects side, I will play those by ear too. Choose my battles, y'know.
I'll tell you right now, there'll be more and bigger fights and instead of seeking consensus, I'll be deciding alone. There. The gauntlet will be thrown down. Then their gloves will come off too. Rummmmmmbbbble!
The stakes are too high on some of these issues for me to concede. I feel there are long term ill effects for some of the things that are happening here and I won't abide them any longer. That will not make me more popular with anyone. More fuel to the fire. But with a combination of getting away (temporarily) and considering the source, I believe I can succeed.
The "consider the source" angle does seem a little disappointing and condescending to me. But I have tried to exercise **every** opportunity to interact as adults. But that's not possible when I'm the only adult in the room. Act like a child, be treated like a child.
Hoo boy, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
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