[MaggieL]

"Like thousands of tiny fingers, urging a woman to let go" was the slogan in the 1970's...

Of course we've all seen the advantages list, carved or un:

1. the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
2. cucumbers stay hard for a week
3. a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
4. cucumbers don't get too excited
5. a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
6. cucumbers are easy to pick up
7. you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
8. ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
9. you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
10. no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
11. cucumbers can get away any weekend
12. with a cucumber you can get a single room
13. ... and you won't have to check in as Mrs. Cucumber
14. a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
15. you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
16. at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
17. a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home
18. a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
19. a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
20. a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
21. cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
22. cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
23. cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
24. with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
25. cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
26. cucumbers don't have sex hangups
27. cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on
28. cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts
29. you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
30. cucumbers never need a round of applause
31. cucumbers won't ask:
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come?
How many times?
32. cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
33. a cucumber won't want to join your support group
34. a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
35. cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
36. cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
37. a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
38. a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
39. no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
40. cucumbers can handle rejection
41. a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
42. a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
43. a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
44. with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
45. cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
46. cucumbers won't give you a hickey
47. cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
48. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: want to shake hands and be friends
say, "I'll call you a cab."
tell you he's not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confesion
49. cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
50. a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
51. cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
52. a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
53. a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
54. a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
55. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season
56. cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
57. a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
58. a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
59. cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
60. a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
61. cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
62. cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub