[MaggieL]

From a friend a while ago

Frank Ney wrote:

First, a word of intro For those of you that don't really know Skippy,
he's a friend of mine that, in a sad state of sobriety, decided to
join the Army. He's also one of the Universe's great agents of Chaos and Discord. Feel free to email him with whatever questions you might have, and don't be concerned about whether or not he knows you or even if he understands what the hell you're talking about. I don't.

BTW: Skippy is in Psyops. The first time I met him he was
wearing a kilt made of fruit roll-ups.

Now, on to the list!

101 THINGS SKIPPY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY ORDERED NOT TO DO IN THE US ARMY:
1) May not watch 'South Park' when I'm supposed to be working
2) My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'
3) May not threaten anyone with black magic
4) May not challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair
5) May not get silicone breast implants
6) May not play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any
officer
7) May not add 'In accordance with the prophecy' to the end
of answers I give to a question an officer asks me
8) May not add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters
9) Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'
10) Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time
11) Not allowed to join the communist party
12) Not allowed to join any militia
13) Not allowed to form any militia
14) Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo
15) Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like
powers'
17) God may not contradict any of my orders
18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty
19) May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying
slime, even if I'm right
20) Must not taunt the French any more
21) Must attempt to not antagonize SAS
22) Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'
23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24) Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are,
especially if it's true
25) Must never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one
26) Must never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!''
27) May not tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras
(British Airborne)
28) May not take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times)
29) The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
30) Not allowed to wake any Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash
31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions
32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post
33) Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even
if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35) Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Mega-Deth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my
maker')
36) Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The
Spanish-American War isn't over)
37) Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'
38) Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'
39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on
the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40) I do not have super-powers.
41) 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message
42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43) Camouflage body paint is not a uniform
44) I am not the atheist chaplain
45) I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake Daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'
46) I am not authorized to fire officers
47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser
states
48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision
49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'
50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours
51) Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations
52) Not allowed to yell 'Take that, Cobra!' at the rifle range
53) Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket' at the rifle range
54) 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55) An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit
56) An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve
electrical tape.
57) The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58) The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence-
Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60) `The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61) If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean `I have been promoted three more times than you'.
62) "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64) Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66) There is no `Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia
67) I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68) I may not line my helmet with tin foil to `Block out the space mind control lasers'
69) May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper,
while on duty.
70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73) No military functions are to be performed `Skyclad'.
74) Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76) "Teddy Bear Teddy bear turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77) The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78) I may not call block my chain of command.
79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80) Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81) May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82) May not form any press gangs.
83) Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84) Must not use military vehicles to `Squish' things.
85) Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft Bragg sniper incident.
86) May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the `field of honor'
87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88) Most not refer to 1st Sgt as `Mom'
89) Must not refer to the Commander as `Dad'
90) Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room
inspection.
91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92) When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony `Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93) Nerve gas is not funny.
94) Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96) `Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98) The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not `Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99) A smiley face is not used to mark minefields.
100) Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101) I may not bury mice with full military honors, even if they are
"casualties of war".

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