[Sundae]

You've already suggested the best thing you can do - sit down and have a long talk with her. And I would suggest relationship counselling if you are serious about this woman.

I have more sympathy with her than other posters. I know the way she has behaved has caused you problems and she is out of line, but if you care about her at least stop and think what she is going through. Jealousy is a powerful emotion. Although she can learn ways of controlling it, she is always going to have it there to some degree. Until she learns it will nag away in a small part of her brain, like an alcoholic going about their daily business but all the while planning where the next drink is coming from.

She will probably have an adrenaline rush when she gives in to the urge to snoop. For a while she will be buzzing with it, then if she finds something that confirms her fears - a name on a website, a letter, she will have a massive crash. She's not coming to you in a furious rage or crying uncontrollably in order to manipulate you - that is the only way she can deal with the weird mix of chemicals in her body.

Most jealous people I know hate their jealousy. If they could take a magic pill to make it go away, they would. Of course the only thing that works is facing what they fear the most, an understanding that what they are doing is hurting the person they love and a willingness to change.

Don't indulge her too much. Make it clear it is her jealousy you dislike, and not her, but that she needs to learn to control that part of herself.