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Predicament · 04-03-2007, 11:45 PM

Hola folks, I'm here, posting incognito (hopefully) because I have a... problem.

You see, I've been with a wonderful woman for more than a year now. Our relationship is fantastic in every way... except one. Jealousy. I'm 29, and she's 25. She's only had sex with 3 people before me. (Two serious relationships, and one "mistake" with a long-time friend). And when she started digging, I was stupidly honest with her and told her that I've been with 7 women before her. (Why can't I learn to lie?) In any event, she's a fantastically jealous woman on top of being a hyper-moralist, and sees that number as horrendous. (Even though I feel it's rather modest for a 29 year-old)

So, there's problem #1 that we're dealing with. She's constantly worried that I'm thinking about other women, and she obsesses about the fact that she's forced to have "shared" me with those women. (Side note: she's the only woman I've told "I love you" in my entire life... she knows this). It doesn't matter that the other women don't hold any emotional pull on me, and I never think of them.... the problem is that SHE thinks of them.

In her constant worry, she started Google'ing the hell out of me. The vast bulk of my internet footprint is harmless. But ANY comment where I mention my current girlfriend would send her into a state of anger / sadness. Several times I had to go back and relive a post in some obscure forum where 5 years ago I commented that I'd just broken up with my girlfriend and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I explain that I made that post THEN, in a moment of emotional turmoil, and if you scroll down in the same thread you can see my post 3 days later where I reaffirmed that I was glad I made the right decision. That doesn't matter... what matters is her feeling of deep hurt when she read the "is this right?" post.

Everything so far I can understand, and I've been very patient and supportive of her. Given time, she's making baby-steps and has improved significantly.

Until this past weekend. Months ago she'd found a blog space that I used to keep my personal thoughts (essentially a diary). She couldn't access it, because I had locked the space so that I was the only one that could view it. I never use the space any longer, and had all but forgotten about it. She didn't. This weekend she figured out my password (I use the same password all across the net), and she accessed the site. She read through a few entries (written before I even knew her) and of course got herself terribly hurt once again. One key example, in one entry I describe meeting my "dream girl"... that I met while on vacation at the beach and we had a fling.

She exploded at me again. Nothing I've told her before was proven false... it's just now she had my words describing some other woman as a "dream girl". (Which truthfully was no dream girl... she was a summer fling.)

In the past I understood all her fears, and did my best to help her work through her problems. But now I have a different problem. This time *I'm* feeling mixed up inside. I can't help feeling violated that she'd take my password and try dig extra info out on me. I know it's cliche'd, but I can't help feeling like it hurt the trust in the relationship. I feel like she could ask me anything, and I'll tell her. If she sneaks behind my back then that infers a lack of trust.

Now I'm really confused. I'm still focusing my energy on trying to allay her fears. But I haven't even begun to deal with how I feel.

Any recommendations for a confused man? I don't even know what to think on this one.

04-03-2007, 11:45 PM	#1
Predicament Questionist Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 8	Jealousy, trust, and diaries Hola folks, I'm here, posting incognito (hopefully) because I have a... problem. You see, I've been with a wonderful woman for more than a year now. Our relationship is fantastic in every way... except one. Jealousy. I'm 29, and she's 25. She's only had sex with 3 people before me. (Two serious relationships, and one "mistake" with a long-time friend). And when she started digging, I was stupidly honest with her and told her that I've been with 7 women before her. (Why can't I learn to lie?) In any event, she's a fantastically jealous woman on top of being a hyper-moralist, and sees that number as horrendous. (Even though I feel it's rather modest for a 29 year-old) So, there's problem #1 that we're dealing with. She's constantly worried that I'm thinking about other women, and she obsesses about the fact that she's forced to have "shared" me with those women. (Side note: she's the only woman I've told "I love you" in my entire life... she knows this). It doesn't matter that the other women don't hold any emotional pull on me, and I never think of them.... the problem is that SHE thinks of them. In her constant worry, she started Google'ing the hell out of me. The vast bulk of my internet footprint is harmless. But ANY comment where I mention my current girlfriend would send her into a state of anger / sadness. Several times I had to go back and relive a post in some obscure forum where 5 years ago I commented that I'd just broken up with my girlfriend and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I explain that I made that post THEN, in a moment of emotional turmoil, and if you scroll down in the same thread you can see my post 3 days later where I reaffirmed that I was glad I made the right decision. That doesn't matter... what matters is her feeling of deep hurt when she read the "is this right?" post. Everything so far I can understand, and I've been very patient and supportive of her. Given time, she's making baby-steps and has improved significantly. Until this past weekend. Months ago she'd found a blog space that I used to keep my personal thoughts (essentially a diary). She couldn't access it, because I had locked the space so that I was the only one that could view it. I never use the space any longer, and had all but forgotten about it. She didn't. This weekend she figured out my password (I use the same password all across the net), and she accessed the site. She read through a few entries (written before I even knew her) and of course got herself terribly hurt once again. One key example, in one entry I describe meeting my "dream girl"... that I met while on vacation at the beach and we had a fling. She exploded at me again. Nothing I've told her before was proven false... it's just now she had my words describing some other woman as a "dream girl". (Which truthfully was no dream girl... she was a summer fling.) In the past I understood all her fears, and did my best to help her work through her problems. But now I have a different problem. This time I'm feeling mixed up inside. I can't help feeling violated that she'd take my password and try dig extra info out on me. I know it's cliche'd, but I can't help feeling like it hurt the trust in the relationship. I feel like she could ask me anything, and I'll tell her. If she sneaks behind my back then that infers a lack of trust. Now I'm really confused. I'm still focusing my energy on trying to allay her fears. But I haven't even begun to deal with how I feel. Any recommendations for a confused man? I don't even know what to think on this one.