Hmmmm... Everything sucks. It's 6:45 AM and I've gotten 1 hour and 10 minutes off tossing, turning uncomfortable "sleep." My girlfriend just decided we needed to take a "break." As in don't have to talk everyday, not going through the motions. Basically "we're not breaking up, or seeing other people, but I don't want to commit to you right now." That's how I see it, and to me that's pretty lame.
Remember the 2 year investment reevaluation mark? Well, we never recovered. She is very incapable of expressing her feelings to me (she's Chinese, she wasn't raised to know HOW
) but she told me pretty good how it is tonite. These last two months have been very, very bad. And I agree with her. But I didn't want this break. I wanted to endure the hell, because this year was a sacrifice for the relationship as a whole. I knew it would be very hard (I had no idea it'd be this hard!!) but I'm willing to go through with this year of hell because the payoff is what I'm looking for. Hopefully she will go to U of I as well and then if she does we're guaranteed for life.
But anway, she said she's almost been depressed, she gets no sleep, she is dropping grades in school and has major family issues-- on top of that she has to deal with the stress of a relationship. She said she wanted time off to get her life back together. Some of you may feel sympathy for her, but let me tell you how I feel.
Tough shit. No one gives married couples a "break" or "time off" from being MARRIED! The real world doesn't allow for any less stress. This break goes against all of my beliefs in relationships. I feel you either commit entirely to the relationship or you get out of it. There's no room for half assing. That's why this is so hard for me. I am sorry she's having a rough time. But you know what, who doesn't experience strife in their life! People manage stress with relationships all the time and there's nothing they can do about it but DEAL with it. Well, I'm ready to deal with it. I was GOING to deal with it. Endure the pain because Spring Break is coming up in 2 weeks and I'll be home and then Summer Break just over a month from then! And then hopefully we will never be apart, if she goes to U of I! I feel it is just a VERY selfish decision on her part.
No I don't want her life to be hard, harder than it should be. But I don't want my family members getting cancer either, but I have no control. Relationships (especially long distance relationships) are freaking tough! Get kneepads, wristguards if you can't handle it.
The only reason why I allowed this, is because I made her promise that she'll come back to me and she will continue loving me through this whole "break." But it's not like she hasn't broken promises or unintentionally lied to me before. Heck, her communication skills are in the negative numbers sometimes. Talk is cheap. This is just security reinforcement but as always, some security doesn't work regardless.
I don't have good feelings about this, at all. So I'm going to finally do some weed, since she didn't let me before.
Weird way to end this post? Hardly, horrible way to start what I see, the beginning of the end.
