rkzenrage

Thinking...

Another Rant.

Something we all agree on is that relationships are dying, what many will disagree with is why.
I say that the art and basics of communication are dying, it is just not being taught and is monumentally important in maintaining relationships.
Basically, we are too causal.
Today I want to talk about apologizing… because we just don’t do it.
First, “I’m sorry” is rarely an apology. It is almost always just a blow-off, suggesting that the conversation end, not that one is truly unhappy about their actions or words. In today’s language it has no specific meaning. This is NOT what I am discussing… though it is part of the problem.

“I apologize” these are important words, healing words… for both parties, if given and taken properly.
This is what I mean. Once said, the second party has to let them know if the apology has been accepted or not. In my family, and now, in every relationship I have had, I have discussed what constitutes an acceptance. It can be “okay”, “I accept” (the preferred) or “all right”… never a nod or anything else. This must be discussed in advance so there is no confusion.
Then, once an apology has been accepted, that is it, the discussion is over, in all forms.
The person who has apologized cannot sit around sulking or pouting like their dog died. The accepting party cannot continue to bitch or stomp around still pissed off like they have a half-dead-weasel in their ass. Once you are ready to accept an apology, you are ready to end the conversation and forgive… from both sides. Forgive the slight and forgive those who were pissed-off with you. It is OVER, PERIOD. No snide remarks, no bringing it up over dinner six months later, ladies, no nothing… OVER.
Now, that sounds great, but it is not always possible… however. If something else comes-up or you fucked-up and find that you cannot let it go…
You need to remain calm… the emotion of the argument is over (remember). Any new “stuff” or stuff that you can’t get rid of should be looked-at in the light of “they forgave me” or “they asked for an apology, they want my forgiveness”… if you take this step, I promise you, it really takes the sting out and the discussion can be done with a great deal of objectivity and love. It will be colored by that apology and should be framed by “I know we agreed, you/I apologized and it was accepted, but, I have something I need to deal with, please be patient with me…”.
If something is thrown back-up into one’s face, they just say, “you accepted my apology, why are we having this conversation?” End.
Pride/ego is the relationship killer, it’s tool is miscommunication… that begins when we do not set the ground rules for HOW we are going to communicate.
IMO, that is most important when we are talking about, how are we going to deal with when we are pissed-off or hurt. That conversation needs to happen.
What I think is happening is that we want to be so “adult & grown-up” that we think we don’t need to do it.
The sad thing is, doing it is what makes us adults… it shows caring, it says that “I am going to make mistakes and I care enough to give us the tools to deal with it, in advance”.
I just don’t see this any more and cannot figure out why.
What really brought this to my attention is that we went through this ritual, I bitched at my wife for not accepting my apology… she did and our demeanor changed and the third party then kinda’ grilled us on it.
At that point I realized that I had not seen anyone else, outside our family really doing this, with very few exceptions, any more… I saw it more when I was younger.
I know this sounds like an older person’s “when I was a kid” rant… perhaps it is… that does not make it invalid.
This can’t be odd of me, to think that people are deluded for thinking if they ignore their issues they will just “go away” instead of festering and causing resentment.
I think this is why cheating has become so rampant, we have stopped being polite and we have broken the basic communication rituals in our lives and relationships. So, what we find what is wanting in our relationships we look for elsewhere.
It all comes back to communication, you cannot give someone something if you don’t know they want it… and NO ONE can be expected to JUST KNOW. I see a lot of that lunacy out there too. “He/She should have known” when I ask if they told them, they blabber incoherently, make excuses, but mostly just look at me blankly. Stupid.