[Spexxvet]

I've been thinking about getting close to edge many times over the last 30 years, since teens. Sometimes more often, sometimes less. It's the reason I chose to go on medication. I could deal with most of the other symptoms, but this one is dangerous. I never cut myself, but have harmed myself with life choices, just the same. Being overweight and having an unhealthy lifestyle is just really slow suicide, if you think about it. And I know that's part of my problem. I consciously think "fuck them, I'll show 'em, I'll eat a dozen doughnuts and drink half a case of beer". I've fantasized about suicide, and thought that my family needs me, and I'd like to see my kids grow up, and how a suicide would mentally fuck them up, and that has always stopped my from getting too close to the edge. The worst is when I think that they don't really need me, and don't care if I see them grow up. That's when I came up with the idea of the "car accident". As I was driving on the highway, I thought how easy and quick it would be to veer in front of a Semi. My family would be taken care of by insurance, and they wouldn't be effected mentally, because their father didn't "commit suicide", he died in a "car accident".