[God]

(God strokes his beard and thinks to himself)

Me-dammit, maybe it's time for another flood. Or perhaps I'll create some disease for the coffee bean and just let humanity collapse into chaos and destroy itself. Things just arent they way they were, thats for sure. No one believes in me any more, no one fears me or loves me. I just get half assed requests for bullshit nowadays. "I need money, I want power, make my penis larger"...christ, I get sick of it. Ahhwell, maybe the next time I'll get it right.

God's list of things to do differently next go-round:

<LI> Make regular dramatic personal appearances in a somewhat human form. It’s kinda tough to deny I exist if I throw some lightening around once in a while. </LI>
<LI> Fix the dogs’ lips. The Bulldog and the Boxer are living examples of my personal failure, and embarrass me. How is a God supposed to receive the respect he deserves with mistakes like this walking all over the earth</LI>
<LI> Discontinue the marijuana plant experiment. It creates too much trouble. </LI>
<LI> Make regular assassinations of “un godly” leaders. Humans aren’t equipped to deal with the responsibility of policing the world. At the same time, I like to watch TV just as much as any other god, and cant be bothered with the day to day details of running their government. I need to spank ass on occasion and delegate more. </LI>
<LI> I need to develop an effective strategy for preventing people from arguing and fighting over me, what I say, and what I have done. Maybe if I held a weekly press conference or a talk radio program I could eliminate some of this nonsense. I thought the bible was good enough. Back in the day it was cutting edge, text on paper pages bound to contain them. It seems to have lost it's appeal though.
<LI> Redesign the human body to be born with clothes that are are living, but machine washable. </LI>
<LI> Make all people the same color. I fucked that one up last time. </LI>
<LI> Build in a gene that grows into cancer when that person has thoughts of creating any form of tax system. </LI>
<LI> Create an appendage specifically for self defense. Maybe some type of horn or tusk that can extend into a defensive position on demand. </LI>


This would make these goof balls look much differently than I do and I would have to rewrite the “God made man in his own image” passage. It would be easier than leaving them the same though.