[Sundae]

Right [rolls up sleeves] my fart stories:

#1
I went to Egypt on holiday with my ex. My stomach can be sensitive to changes in food/ water although this usually manifests itself in terrible farts rather than the runs that afflict other travellers.

Mine started early this holiday for some reason - I knew I had a WMD brewing at luggage reclaim just after we landed. So I make an excuse and wander off to the other end of the hall in order to let one rip. I was right to have moved away, it was bad enough to start buckling the floor.

Right on cue, an announcement lets everyone know that the luggage will be coming through on the carousel closest to me. Of course. Well, it seems to be heavier than air, and is slowly settling, so I should be okay.

Yep - I didn't figure on the little boy, about 10, all excited to be on holiday, running hell for leather across the hall to get pole position. Well, happy little soul runs into the orange cloud of SG's emission anyway.

He recoils, complains in no uncertain terms to his parents who are embarrassed to the soles of their nice middle class shoes. They explain gently and blushingly that they're not at home any more, and sometimes *in poor countries* things might not be as nice....

By this time I am hanging onto my ex, choking out the fact that it's nothing to do with the Egyptian way of life. The poor child had travelled over 2000 miles to run into a fart he could have had for free at Gatwick airport.

#2
I was attending an Alpha Course (introduction to Christianity). Long story, but just accept that I was feeling a little awkward and was surrounded by very earnest people in a room with little conversation.

This was during a time I was horribly in debt, and the subsequent weight loss (due to lack of beers & take aways) meant I had managed to fit into a pair of black moleskin trousers for the first time in months. I loved those trousers!

Anyway, a bit tight still, and I'd gorged myself on the free buffet, so tighter yet.

Felt the urge coming on me, but didn't feel I could leave the room as we'd only just had a "comfort break". Badly timed, as I was getting pretty uncomfortable. Ah well, squeeze it out gently SG, you'll be fine.

Imagine my relief when I accomplished it with nary a squeak.

Imagine my chagrin when I felt it ROLL up the back of my too tight trousers..... and BLATT noisily into the air.

I kid you not - it didn't make a sound until it hit the top of my crack.

I have never tried to squeeze one out quietly in trousers since, so I have no idea if this was an isolated phenomenon. Had I only known the group better perhaps I could have discussed whether this aberration was a sign of the coming apocalypse.