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07-13-2006, 05:50 AM

Your poem sounds sincere and enigmatic , rogueWinter . If I were you I would make it even better by getting rid of the repetition and compressing the first eight lines into one verse (without the repetition there will now be four lines , and the repetition of 'where they have gone I do not know' is ok , and will still convey the sense of constant questioning that I think you want to give .

I would get rid of the word ' lass ' in the final verse , as it seems too self-consciously olde-worlde-literary .

' Yet all have grown
Whose eyes go up
As the belles smile down' is very good indeed . It is literature .

This is only my opinion of course , but I hope that it may be useful to you in some small way .

07-13-2006, 05:50 AM	#2
Buddug Guest Posts: n/a	Your poem sounds sincere and enigmatic , rogueWinter . If I were you I would make it even better by getting rid of the repetition and compressing the first eight lines into one verse (without the repetition there will now be four lines , and the repetition of 'where they have gone I do not know' is ok , and will still convey the sense of constant questioning that I think you want to give . I would get rid of the word ' lass ' in the final verse , as it seems too self-consciously olde-worlde-literary . ' Yet all have grown Whose eyes go up As the belles smile down' is very good indeed . It is literature . This is only my opinion of course , but I hope that it may be useful to you in some small way .