[Cyclefrance]

(Hooray! She's back! - but clearly the absence has affected her memory...)

Not only that - there was no music! ‘What was the place turning into....?’ wondered U.T.

‘What was the plaice turning into…?’ wondered Winston Deuteronymus Whale. The Sea Creatures Annual Reunion and Evening Dinner (or S.C.A.R.E.D. as it had somehow now become called) was in full swing. Winston had been running S.C.A.R.E.D. (it's all right - you can groan if you want to!) for five years now, and this was by far the best evening yet. But Percy Plaice seemed to have gone over the top this time. Turning up in that seahorse-drawn conch as if he owned the… place, wasn’t the way to go about pleasing your host, after all. Still everyone seemed to be enjoying the dinner and were about to tuck into the main course. Even the Sharks twins were eating the food (as opposed to three of the guests, as had happened last year), and Bertram Barracuda had overseen the choice of wine – always a difficult task, being, as they were, underwater.

But this year it was the cabaret that everyone was looking forward to. Coached by Winston’s brother Melvin, the whelks choir had learned to sing a medley in whalesong from the famous Sing-Along-a-Whalesong book. In fact, it was such a splendid event that most of Winston’s family and relatives had insisted on attending this year and that meant the whales numbered some 25 in all. And everyone was assembled to hear the Whelk’s Mel Voice Choir (one for the Brits there!), plus, of course everyone present had a copy of the words and music, so that after the whelks had finished their rendition, all the others could join in with the reprise - because it is well known that on events like these everybody sings in Whales (number two for the Brits! – they really are being spoiled!).

Winston‘s thoughts were interrupted. Something had landed on his head. He took it off and examined it (no, not his head - don't be silly - the thing that had landed on his head!). It looked like a small fragment of meat, only there was a bit of … well, it looked like fur to him. Winston took hold of the morsel and popped it into his mouth, swirled it around a bit, and promptly spat it out again, spluttering and grimacing in one movement. MY god! What was that – it was DISGUSTING!. Then he felt another piece of meat land on his head, then another, and another…. hang on, it seemed to be falling… everywhere…. and especially into their food!

Things were taking a turn out for the worse. The Sharks had just taken a mouthful of their main course, now laced with this strange debris. Next moment they spat it out, as in unison. A badly fed shark is not a happy shark, and before you could say Jack Jellyfish, the twins had swallowed two sea bass sat either side of them.

Chaos ensued. Winston looked around him in total shock at the scene that met his eyes. Bits of fur-covered meat rained down upon them like some tropical storm. Fish, crustaceans and mammals were either being sick, or were fighting, or were taking great chunks out of each other. No, no. no, no, NO! This could NOT be happening!

Winston summoned Melvin over: ‘Go and find out what’s causing this, please, for goodness sake - and DO be quick!’

Melvin swam off immediately towards the sea’s surface, and it took only a matter of seconds before he saw that the hideous downpour had come from a ship parked right above them. Melvin swam back….

Whales may appear to be big lumbering creatures, but when decisions are to be made, they move pretty fast – and this occasion was no exception! A decision WAS made and in record time. Winston, Melvin and the other 23 members of Winston’s family made their way towards the Bacardi Breezer…


‘Right! That’s it!!’ Kit had clearly reached the end of his exceptionally short tether.’ I’m not waiting any longer. Prepare to fire-…. What the- !?!’

The Breezer suddenly lurched sideways, unbalancing the crew and sending them as one towards the port side of their ship. Then she lurched the other way and the crew lurched towards starboard, then back again, then the other way – it was like some surreal form of the Okee-Cokee, to the point that they were indeed being shaken all about. You might even say they were having a whale of a time!

For just below the surface and either side of the Breezer, the whales were banging their weight first against one side and then against the other side of the vessel, creating a rhythmic swaying motion, then a group of ten whales moved to the stern of the ship and started nudging her forwards. She began to move through the ocean. Slowly at first, then gathering momentum until the whales had achieved a good swaying speed of about 8 knots.

On board the crew were still being thrown around – left right, lurch forwards… left, right, lurch forwards. Some of the newer hands, which naturally included Squeedler and JayMcGee, were even beginning to feel a bit sea-sick! The Breezer moved further and further away from land and into the deeper seas of the Pacific Ocean, and with each lurch the record on the gramophone jumped from its groove – it was making no progress at all: ‘You put your left side-…., you put your le-…. You put your lef-….. you put your-….!!’