Lookout - I haven't read every post in this thread, so I apologize if I am reposting something, but I just remembered you while I was reading this book:
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157...Fencoding=UTF8
I'm not a psychologist, I'm not even going to pretend to diagnose her, but it struck a chord so I thought I'd pass it on.