[Cyclefrance]

Went to put something into the loft (attic) this afternoon and my eye fell upon a Robert Rankin book I had bought some time ago but hadn't got around to reading - 'Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls' - the 8th (possibly 9th) book in the now famous Brentford Trilogy.

Some of you may have heard me talk of Mr Rankin before - I classify him as a writer of surreal humour. What do I mean by that? Well, maybe it's a bit hard to communicate in everyday words, so in an alternative attempt to succeed, here's the start of the book as a means to enlighten you - it begins with a poem (in fact each chapter has its own poem)....:

THERE'S A CHEF AND HIS NAME IS DAVE

There's a frog in the Kenwood blender.
There's a cat in the microwave.
There's a mouse in the waste disposal.
There's a chef and his name is Dave.

There's a cockroach that lives in the pate,
And the salt is an earwig's grave.
There are droppings all over the butter.
There's a chef and his name is Dave.

There's a nasty fungus under the stove,
Where the creepy crawlies wave.
And squeezing his spot in the beef hot-pot,
There's a chef and his name is Dave.

There's a man from the Health Department
And he's just been sick in the sink,
And the Waternman's Arts Centre kitchen
Will be closed for a while, I think.

Chapter 1

'She does what??' John Omally looked up from his pint and down at Small Dave.
'Reads your knob,' said the wee man. 'It's a bit like palmistry, where they read the lines on your hand. Except this is called Penistry and they can tell your fortune by looking at your knob.'

It was spring and it was Tuesday. It was lunchtime. They were in the Flying Swan.

'I don't believe it,' said John. 'Someone's been winding you up, Dave.'
'They have not. I overheard two policeman talking about it while I was locked in the suitcase.'
'Excuse me,' said Soap Distant, newly returned from a journey to the centre of the Earth. 'But why were you locked in a suitcase?'
'There was an unpleasantness. I don't wish to discuss it.'
'Small Dave was sacked from his job as chef at the Arts Centre.' said Omally.
'What Arts Centre?'
'The one they built on the site of the old gasworks.'
'Oh,' said Soap. 'So why did they sack you, Dave?'
'I was unfairly dismissed.'
'The manager gave Dave his cards and Dave bit the end off his knob.'
'It was an accident. I slipped on some mouse poo, and anyway he hit me with a frying pan.'
'I thought that was in self-defence, because you came at him with the meat cleaver.'
'I just happened to be holding the meat cleaver at the time.'
'You bit off the end of his knob,' said Soap. 'That is disgusting.'
'It was an accident. I slipped, he hit me on the back of the head, I fell forward and my teeth kind of clenched.'
Soap's teeth kind of clenched, and so did Omally's.
'So what happened to the manager?' Soap asked.
'He's recovering in Brentford Cottaeg Hospital. The surgeon sewed the end back on. It's no big deal. Mind you' - Small Dave smirked wickedly - 'from what I hear he's going to sue the surgeon.'
'I know I'm going to hate myself for asking,' said Soap, 'but why is he going to sue the surgeon?'
'Well,' said Dave. 'What with all the blood and it being an emergency operation and everything, it was the kind of mistake anyone could make. Especially if you're Mr Fowler.'
'What, fumble-fingers Fowler? He's not still in practice, is he? I thought he was struck off years ago.'
'He probably will be this time. He sewed the manager's knob end on upside down.'
'I think I'll go for a walk,' said Soap. 'I feel a little queasy.'
'I'll come with you.'said Dave.
'I'll stay here.' said Soap.
'Just one thing, Dave,' said Omally. 'Why exactly were you locked in a suitcase?'

++

And so it continues apace with the sudden presence of many policemen, and an amazing escape by Small Dave with Omally and Soap Distant who eventually end up wearing gardening trowels (naturally). And this is only in chapter 1 - another 25 have yet to follow..

I'll let you know when I've finished it....