[juju]

I don't really have very many good friends in real life. This is partly a matter of choice, and partly a matter of circumstance.

I've spent nearly my entire life in one small city. I was comfortable there, I had plenty of friends, and I had no problems meeting new people. When I moved to my current city to go to college, however, my unfamiliarity with the town caused me to become nervous around new people and situations. This sounds ridiculous, but somehow, I know it's true. Somehow, in some vague way that I don't understand, town and friendship are connected.

I've met a few people here and have had incredibly amazing conversations with them. I typically don't make arrangements to meet the person again, though. Why is this?

One factor in this is that I do have an active life that I enjoy engaging in. It just happens to be a relatively solitary one. I have a lot of fun and really enjoy my life the way it is. If I meet or call someone, that means i'm effectively vetoing my guaranteed fulfulling activity for a potentially boring waste of time. On one level, i've made a concious decision not to have friends.

However, I can't help but think that maybe i'm not making the right choice. I don't really feel like I have time for superficial conversations, but it sure would be nice to get a regular dose of the amazing conversations.

I also have a real problem managing my time with school, so that might be a part of it too. I just don't have time to go hang out with people every night.

This is all very nebulous in my head. I have this solitary life and I really kind of like it the way it is. But i'm also questioning whether or not that's really the way it should be. Because I see these people that i've had these amazing conversations with, and I can't help but think why in the hell i'm choosing not to talk to them more often.

I suppose my real question to myself should be, do I not have more friends because i'm too busy, because I enjoy being alone, because i'm nervous in new situations (not sure if that's true), because everyone i've met is incredibly dull (a possibility), because I don't know anyone (doubt it), or because I never go anywhere? Or perhaps it's a combination of all of these?