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65 million other fellow American Evangelical cultists love Jews for one simple reason: They hope to bundle every hairy Jewish ass up, air-freight them to the West Bank and East Jerusalem (once those areas have been cleansed of Muslims), and use the Jews as bait to bring upon the Rapture, as kindling in the Apocalypse, the final battle that will bring Jesus back to Earth.
None of this can happen until every last Jew is penned into the occupied territories—and the Jews won't get there unless the far-right runs Israel and America. Currently 65 million American cultists are using everything in their power, from prayer to politics, to make this Helter Skelter scenario come true.
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Here is a stunning description of the Rapture in Evangelical cult leader Michael D. Evans' new bestseller, The American Prophecies
Under this Evangelical "end of days" scenario, there's some good news and some bad news, depending on which cult you belong to.
First, the good news: The Rapture be bery-bery-good to Evangelical Christians. When that day arrives, they all get sucked up to heaven— body, clothes, mobile phones and all.
Evangelicals believe prophesy a nuclear holocaust: "Their flesh shall dissolve while they stand on their feet/Their eyes shall dissolve in their sockets/And their tongues shall dissolve in their mouths." (Zechariah 14:12)
A few years after the Rapture comes the Apocalypse. This is the bad-news part of the Evangelical equation, for some people anyway—the part of the buddy flick where the one buddy says to the other, "Sorry friend, it was either you or me."
The funny thing about The American Prophecies is that while Evans quotes extensively from Zechariah, he leaves out the one passage that every Evangelical secretly prays for: And it shall come to pass, that in all the land, saith Jehovah, two parts therein shall be cut off and die; but the third shall be left therein. And I will bring the third part into the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried.
(Zechariah 13:8, 9)
In other words, two-thirds of the world's Jews, now crammed into the dusty West Bank, go to the woodchipper, and the surviving third (or perhaps as few as 144,000, depending on how you read your Bible) gets forcibly converted to Evangelical Christianity. Number nine, number nine…
This is why Jews should beware. Michael Evans and the 23 percent of the American population he represents need a Greater Israel in order to get sucked up into God's DustBuster. But to get to the "end of days," they need the Jews' cooperation. Which is probably why Evans left this part of the script out of his book. Today, Evangelicals' strategy is something like this: "Hey, maybe we've been scaring the Jews away all these years, with pogroms and quotas and stuff. Maybe if we act all nice, they'll come out from under the bed and go to Judea and Samara. Heeeeere Jew-ie Jew-ie. Nice Jewie!"
The Evangelicals' late-20th-century strategy of embracing Jews as their biggest, bestest friends in the whole wide world reads like an updated Hansel and Gretel, with Evans playing the witch luring Hymie and Gilah into his West Bank lair in order to cook them.
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The funny thing about The American Prophecies is that while Evans quotes extensively from Zechariah, he leaves out the one passage that every Evangelical secretly prays for:
And it shall come to pass, that in all the land, saith Jehovah, two parts therein shall be cut off and die; but the third shall be left therein. And I will bring the third part into the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried. (Zechariah 13:8, 9)
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He leaves out the one passage that every Evangelical secretly prays for:
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Look familiar cellists?
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Every Evangelical SECRETLY prays for.
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Fried
Last edited by dov; 01-30-2006 at 11:59 PM.
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