not doing well at all. she went to the first counseling session on her own and came back with good words. she promised that she will be 100% committed to seeing if this will work. the problem is that she has already decided that it can't work, so she has only committed to seeing it to that end. i will see the guy on tuesday for my session, so we'll see how it goes.
we just had a heartbreaking 90 minute conversation about the issue and it is absolutely apparent that her mind is made up even if she is saying she is willing to try. what she isn't saying is that she WANTS it to work.
we have spent the last 4 nights laughing and joking and talking and her telling me how much she loves me... like a happily married couple. until tonight she has been my best friend and lover with hope for the future - from 4-midnight. she wakes up in the morning cold and distant.
immediately following her session, she stopped even the returning the "i love you" we always exchanged.
she swears up and down and sideways that there is no one else - i remain skeptical. she is throwing out the "you don't make enough money" bit. i make a fair living and it is increasing - but she still won't quit working, so i know that isn't the real issue. she says i am a great friend, she doesn't love me anymore, and can't remember when she ever did.
the hard part is that if i start pulling my defenses together to protect myself for what seems a likely divorce, then i will have put up walls that guarantee a divorce is inevitable. i'm not ready to throw in the towel
it has only been 7 years, and i cannot even imagine a life without her in it. i'm circling the drain into despair and hopelessness.
i know if we do divorce in order to get my fair share of the stuff it will be a battle which will forever poison our relationship - which is only important for little lookout's sake.
i've that i can sleep though. Ambien is a magical little pill. take it while standing over your bed- you aren't going anywhere. wake up six hours later well rested. tht has got me back on my workout routine at least. so, i've got that going for me. otherwise i would spend my nights replaying every conversation we've had, every kiss, every shag, everyday filled with pain where we just held each other.
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