[juju]

When my mother was growing up, her parents were dirt poor and her father was an alcoholic. My grandfather was known to come home blasted drunk every night, and the whole house would always cower in fear at his return. Once, he threw my mother against the refrigerator, put a knife against her neck, and threatened her life. Another time, her and her sister asked him for money, and he gave them a lot. They were ecstatic and spent it all. Later, they found out that he had given them the families grocery money and was too drunk to realize it (or care). They had to live on scraps until the next pay period.

My mother tells me that of all the terrible things that he did to the family, calling her stupid was the most psychologically damaging. This is surprising to me, because i'd've thought that things like creating an environment of constant fear, or beating the hell out of her would rank a little higher up there.

When my wife and I were first getting to know each other, I learned that she had a low self-esteem and thought she was stupid. I also learned that her father made a sport of calling her stupid. Now, she's come a long way since meeting me, as i've indoctrinated her with my self-confidence philosophy of life. But it's a struggle. It's amazing to me that even though she knows logically that she is smart, she still thinks she's stupid because her father and brothers teased her. It's like it cements in people's brains when they're young, and then won't come out without considerable effort.

Like I said in another post, kids generally believe what they're told. My mother believed her father, and my wife believed her father. Even after she became an adult, she still thought that she was stupid and ugly. This caused her to become depressed, have no self-image and have very little self-confidence.

The insidiousness of having no self-confidence can not be overstated. How a person views himself affects everything in his life, including relationships, success in life, and happiness in general. If life were a building, self-confidence would be the foundation. Before I met my wife, I thought it was just my mom. But now I see that it's clearly not just her -- lots of people have the same problem.

And now, I have a problem. When I go to my in-laws' house, I see it happening all over again. When I see this happening, I feel compelled to speak up, to chastise the parents and try to make them see how what they're doing is wrong. The only problem is, it's not my place to say so, especially since I don't have kids of my own. I'd be "one of those people" who are always criticizing how other people parent their kids. It's my general feeling that people like that are despised, since they usually don't know what they're talking about. If I spoke up, i'd risk them getting pissed at me. But if I don't speak up, the kids might hate themselves when they're 30.

There's another thing I wonder about. Both the cases I know of were women. What is the effect on guys, I wonder? My father called me stupid, and I was depressed and hated myself for all of my childhood. It was only until I broke 20 that I was able to pull myself out of that hole. But I never connected that to him thinking I was stupid. I like to think that I got over the insults because i'm a guy and that words don't bother me, and that the depression was just from a chemical imbalance. But is it?

I have already decided to just not say anything, as it's just not my place. But I feel bad about this, because I feel pretty confident of what the effects will be. What do you folks think?