[Cyclefrance]

'That's not fair, you sucked the last one'
'I did not!'
'Did'
'Didn't'
'Oooh, you lying bitch...'

Monica1 (aka Harnog) glared at Monica2 (aka Bondriz), his handbag twitching at the end of his arm, ready to swing it at Bondriz's head, if necessary.'

'Now, now, you two, do, do calm down, goodness, goodness me, what WILL the commander think, if he finds out. Oooh, these heels are killing me!'

Monica3 (aka Playtah) stumbled slightly, righted himself, and brushed down his skirt.

'Well I reckon Harnog's got a point you know'. Monica4 (aka Arnax, Harnog's twin brother, although in their present guises this was hardly obvious or even mattered, and none of the remaining four had a clue about this anyway, but it explains why Arnax might want to support Harnog on this one). 'I saw who did the last one, and it was definitely Bondriz, so there.'

'How could you, Arnax, that's just so mean. After I let you go first yesterday as well. You've, you've really upset me, you really have.' Bondriz burst into tears, and mascara lines began to trail down his cheeks. It was all getting too much for Bondriz, he'd given up his hairdressing job to come to this god-forsaken planet. All those promises of handsome men with fine scultured bodies... well, what a load of old rubbish that had turned out to be. And now he was stuck with this bunch of catty individuals. What had he got himself into?? He searched anxiously through his handbag, trying to find his hankie...

'Come on girls (hic), no need to fight over me, there's plenty to go around...'

At this moment Capnhowdy couldn't believe his luck - six of them! and all fighting over HIM!

'Shut up you!' Monica5 (aka Slarvos) was getting tired of this. He looked over to the Hummer where the driver, Qarvop (Monica6) was seated checking his make-up in the mirror. The other four were still arguing amongst themselves, and to top it all he could no longer pick up the signal from the juke box, which meant that, if he couldn't, the ship couldn't. This wasn't looking good at all. This wasn't the way they'd planned it. He had to find out why the signal had stopped. If he didn't then the invasion would start right away, and they weren't really ready for that. He broke wind violently. His nose picked up the ripe odour of ten day old rotting cabbage - God they weren't getting any better. He needed a cigarette - about the only thing he'd found worthwhile here as far as he was concerned. Where had he put them. Couldn't find them in the handbag. Don't say he'd left them in the bar. He suddenly remembered putting the packet down when they'd been speaking to that nicely dressed Clodfobble fellow. Oh, well, he didn't suppose it would hurt to go back and get them, the others seemed well occupied, and he quite liked the idea of seeing Clodfobble again.

Slarvos looked over to the strange-shaped building that was the bar (he was sure it had had seven sides last time he looked) just in time to see six figures and a dog climbing back into the limousine, and the limousine start to move away...

Slarvos shrieked loudly: 'Stoppit, stoppit, STOP.. IT!!!' It was so loud and so urgent that the other four Monicas stopped talking immediately and looked at Slarvos. 'Look, look over there. Phtrethnog and his friends are getting AWAY!!'

Five pairs of stillettos rushed towards the Hummer. In that short distance to the waiting Hummer at least four stiletto heels broke. Slarvos, the first to arrive opened the door. A foul stench emerged, filling his nostrils.

'Really, Qarvop. How could you?' Slarvos flapped his hand trying to disperse the hideous odour invading his nose, but regretably without success: 'You know the rules. No farting inside the vehicle! God, open the windows, please!'

The five Monicas scrambled into the Hummer, Fingers clasping their noses, all of them.

'Night, Narvop. Norwow nat nimoutheen!' Qarvop looked back totally bewildered. Slarvos saw it wasn't working. Bravery was called for. He removed his fingers, and quickly: 'RightQarvopfollowthatlimousine' and just as quickly covered his nose again.

Well, they say you can't smell your own, which is a good job really as it at least meant that Qarvop could drive the Hummer. They sped off in pursuit of the limousine, whose tailights were still just visible in the distance...

'No, please, don't go. I'm sorry if I said something to upset you. Please come back...' Capnhowdy looked totally forlorn. It had been a dead cert. He coudn't believe they'd gone. Only two minutes ago they'd all been tearing his trousers off. Now? He just couldn't undertstand it....

Automatically, in his current slightly inebriated state, he put his Walkman earphones back in his ears and clicked play. The Nelson Riddle orchestra struck up, and Frank Sinatra burst forth: 'That's life...-' Capnhowdy pulled out the phones: 'Oh fuck off, Frank, that's the last thing I need now!!'

If only he knew how lucky he had been.....