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Originally Posted by dar512
So we agree that good writing can be either long or short sentences. What was it that you thought was so bad about the blurb?
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Yeah, Queen is right, it's very cheesy but, also, the writing is unclear and awkward:
As Crystal walked out of the glen and across a footbridge over Dempsey Creek, the flower girl sprinkled rose petals at her feet while country western singers played guitars and sang love songs. The groom took her by the hand and escorted the bride to the stage under the large pavilion. Mayor Ray Bailey of Lava Hot Springs officiated.
The two lovers, exchanging vows and thinking only of each other, forgot for a moment the service to country and a war-torn Iraq. It was a very peaceful ceremony as the birds sang and the background.
OK, the first sentence begins with a conjunction, which is a no-no.
The phrase “
country western singers played guitars and sang love songs” is both confusing and redundant. It sounds as though a pack of individual country western singers with guitars sang love songs. My guess is that the country western GROUP, “Bubba and his Idaho Coon Hounds,” sang songs like “I promise you,” or “Watch this” or “Goodbye Earl,” using guitar, bass, drums, and a sound system. The reader will never know the truth of this, and probably spends nights laying awake wondering if 10 individual country western style singers (WITH guitars) sang at the wedding or if it was Bubba and his band. “
The groom took her by the hand” – took whom? The flower girl?
“
The two lovers, exchanging vows and thinking only of each other, forgot for a moment the service to country and a war-torn Iraq. “
This could actually be a powerful thought instead of sentimental tripe:
The bride and groom who had each made a commitment to serve their country, now made a personal commitment to one another, as well. War torn Iraq was very far away on that peaceful Idaho afternoon with birds singing in the background.