[juju]

It's two in the morning, and i'm out on my apartment balcony, typing on my old laptop.

It's a nice cool night. I like nighttime. It's quiet, and people don't come up to me every 10 minutes and say, "What are you doing?", or "Did you see that new whatzit? Amazing!". I usually stay up late just so my brain will have time to itself.

I don't usually come out here. This rickety-assed wooden balcony scares the hell out of me. This is a shitty apartment complex, and it's basically in disrepair. It doesn't help that I sometimes feel compelled to just jump off the balcony, just to see what it might feel like on the way down. I'm nowhere near suicidal or depressed, so i'd never actually do this. The fact that I actually have this impulse, however, causes me to only come out here every couple of months or so.

I have this strong impulse to be alone. I don't understand it, but I love it. I used to take this alone time by force. Every few months I would just drop out of existence for a while. I'd stop talking to friends and family and just be alone. Generally my friends didn't understand this, but they seemed to accept it since it only lasted a few weeks. This was my favorite of all times, and if I didn't get it I felt cheated. I don't really do this so much anymore. Perhaps i've learned to break this time up into smaller pieces.

I have a friend, Jerry, whom I haven't heard from in 8 months. He's been on hard drugs for a long time. Last time I talked to him he was doing crank. I can't help wondering what's happened to him. Is he in a drug-induced stupor, or is he just dead? I keep thinking that i'm going to find out he's been dead for over a year, and I never knew it. He always said he wanted to die young.

If I had to guess, i'd say I have about 60 years to live. I heard somewhere you should spend your time as wisely as you spend your money. If years were a resource, how would I spend them? I have this weird feeling I might piss it all away if i'm not careful.