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06-07-2002, 09:56 AM

perth -

I'll go ahead and share my views, 'cause... well, I've grown up a lot in the last five or six years, and I've learned a lot, both about being a kid and raising one.

First, I don't think the spanking works. I wouldn't recommend it. Showing kids that violence is the answer to a problem is a bad idea. I was spanked a lot when I was a kid. What happened? Whenever someone did something that I thought was wrong, I would... well, wallop the holy hell out of them. My cousin took my jacket once. Instead of asking for it back, I repeatedly punched her in the back. I had a bad haircut when I was about ten, and I wore a hood to school for two weeks. Only once did someone pull it down and laugh - and they got pulled over my desk and hit very very hard a number of times. I'll spare you the rest of the details but, basically, until I was about 15, I was a very physically violent person. I fully believe that this comes from being spanked when I was younger. It wasn't until about that age that I realized "violence isn't the solution to my problem." Luckily, it wasn't "too late" by that time period - and I turned it completely around. A lot of people don't. The prisons are filled with them.

Positive reinforcement is certainly the best way to keep a kid on track. When they're younger, they won't understand pride - it will have to be little things, like ice cream here, a toy there, etc. As they get older, tell them that they're doing a good job. There is nothing like hearing that from someone you look up to and respect. And as his father, you will be his idol. When he does a good job, tell him. Not only that, but make sure he understands it. When he brings home a 4.0 report card in ninth grade, sit him down, smile at him and say "I want you to know that I'm more proud of you than anything else in my entire life. You did a damn good job and I'm proud of you." When he brings home that "My kid is an honor student at ______ _____ High School", wear it. I know bumper stickers are lame, but make a spot for it on your bumper anyway. Tell him "You know, I hate bumper stickers... but there's no way that this bumper sticker is going anywhere but the back of my car. I'm proud of you." It's okay to be a sappy dad. He needs to know that you're proud of him when he does well.

When he fucks up... like bringing home a 1.5 GPA report card... be calm. Don't get angry. Ever. It never works. First, it will show him that he can't trust you to keep cool, and it will create a distance between you and him. "If I tell dad, he'll get angry." To tell or not to tell? Guess which choice he'll make. So keep calm. The things you need to make him understand are

1) Good or bad, there are consequences to all of your actions
2) You need to ask yourself "What is it that I really want out of this?"

Start young. Let him know that, for everything he does, there will be consequences. If he does something great, then the consequences will reflect that. If he does something not so great, the consequences will reflect that. In the case of grades in school, make him understand that he's only hurting himself. Tell him "Look, I'm not going to get fired because my son's not doing well in school. But, in the future, you're going to find that doing well opens you to a lot more opportunities." When he understands these things, he'll be much more thoughtful of the people around him and his actions. I finally learned them when I was about 15, and I'm a markedly better person because of it.

When he's real young (2-12 or so), it's going to be more difficult to reach him on an intellectual basis. I still recommend against spanking, yelling, etc. I'm not a particularly big fan of punishment; I'm a big fan of setting someone on the right track, mainly by erasing any notion of "I should do that again" from their minds. Make them understand the negative consequences that can arise from their misdeeds. Be serious and firm when talking to him. "James, I love you, but if you poke holes in the wall with a screwdriver again, there are going to be some very unpleasant consequences." If he does it, deliver on your promise - keep his allowance from him long enough so that you can use it to fix the holes. That will help him get the message.

Anyway... there are books written on the subject, and I can't begin to write everything I know and feel in a single post. If you want, we can talk more about it. In the mean time, I've got some work to do. I hope that this has been a useful post.

06-07-2002, 09:56 AM	#12
dave Guest Posts: n/a	perth - I'll go ahead and share my views, 'cause... well, I've grown up a lot in the last five or six years, and I've learned a lot, both about being a kid and raising one. First, I don't think the spanking works. I wouldn't recommend it. Showing kids that violence is the answer to a problem is a bad idea. I was spanked a lot when I was a kid. What happened? Whenever someone did something that I thought was wrong, I would... well, wallop the holy hell out of them. My cousin took my jacket once. Instead of asking for it back, I repeatedly punched her in the back. I had a bad haircut when I was about ten, and I wore a hood to school for two weeks. Only once did someone pull it down and laugh - and they got pulled over my desk and hit very very hard a number of times. I'll spare you the rest of the details but, basically, until I was about 15, I was a very physically violent person. I fully believe that this comes from being spanked when I was younger. It wasn't until about that age that I realized "violence isn't the solution to my problem." Luckily, it wasn't "too late" by that time period - and I turned it completely around. A lot of people don't. The prisons are filled with them. Positive reinforcement is certainly the best way to keep a kid on track. When they're younger, they won't understand pride - it will have to be little things, like ice cream here, a toy there, etc. As they get older, tell them that they're doing a good job. There is nothing like hearing that from someone you look up to and respect. And as his father, you will be his idol. When he does a good job, tell him. Not only that, but make sure he understands it. When he brings home a 4.0 report card in ninth grade, sit him down, smile at him and say "I want you to know that I'm more proud of you than anything else in my entire life. You did a damn good job and I'm proud of you." When he brings home that "My kid is an honor student at ______ _____ High School", wear it. I know bumper stickers are lame, but make a spot for it on your bumper anyway. Tell him "You know, I hate bumper stickers... but there's no way that this bumper sticker is going anywhere but the back of my car. I'm proud of you." It's okay to be a sappy dad. He needs to know that you're proud of him when he does well. When he fucks up... like bringing home a 1.5 GPA report card... be calm. Don't get angry. Ever. It never works. First, it will show him that he can't trust you to keep cool, and it will create a distance between you and him. "If I tell dad, he'll get angry." To tell or not to tell? Guess which choice he'll make. So keep calm. The things you need to make him understand are 1) Good or bad, there are consequences to all of your actions 2) You need to ask yourself "What is it that I really want out of this?" Start young. Let him know that, for everything he does, there will be consequences. If he does something great, then the consequences will reflect that. If he does something not so great, the consequences will reflect that. In the case of grades in school, make him understand that he's only hurting himself. Tell him "Look, I'm not going to get fired because my son's not doing well in school. But, in the future, you're going to find that doing well opens you to a lot more opportunities." When he understands these things, he'll be much more thoughtful of the people around him and his actions. I finally learned them when I was about 15, and I'm a markedly better person because of it. When he's real young (2-12 or so), it's going to be more difficult to reach him on an intellectual basis. I still recommend against spanking, yelling, etc. I'm not a particularly big fan of punishment; I'm a big fan of setting someone on the right track, mainly by erasing any notion of "I should do that again" from their minds. Make them understand the negative consequences that can arise from their misdeeds. Be serious and firm when talking to him. "James, I love you, but if you poke holes in the wall with a screwdriver again, there are going to be some very unpleasant consequences." If he does it, deliver on your promise - keep his allowance from him long enough so that you can use it to fix the holes. That will help him get the message. Anyway... there are books written on the subject, and I can't begin to write everything I know and feel in a single post. If you want, we can talk more about it. In the mean time, I've got some work to do. I hope that this has been a useful post.