The Cellar - View Single Post - I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!!

kerosene · 05-20-2005, 12:03 PM

Bri, you are a strong, strong woman. Kudos for being so raw and honest with yourself! You know what you need to do with this man, though. I know you do. It is going to be hard. It may take several tries. It might not. It will be a bitter fight with your own will.

The first goal you should set for yourself is to cut it off completely. think of him as "bad for you". The relationship is like cancer. Think of it as ridding yourself of something that is hurting you. You will feel the loss, the pain of not seeing his face or feeling his presence. You will be sad or even regretful at times. But the longer you have contact with him and even the smallest evidence of hope, the longer you prolong your grief and the realization that this man is not the one you should be with. Don't kid yourself and try to think you are sticking with him because you "need" him or that he "needs" you. Don't think the friendship within it, however benign it may have seemed, is a good reason to keep contact with him. There are others out there who would be your friends without the control and manipulation that he seems to extert (whether knowingly or not). It may feel like you will never experience love like with him again, but that isn't true. All of the negative feelings you tell yourself are like chains keeping you from enjoying your life, so try like hell to break loose of them and reinforce yourself with some pampering of yourself....tell yourself you love YOU and how brilliant YOU are and how much YOU deserve to be loved (not used or taken advantage of). You may not believe it is true, but if you bombard yourself with those positive thoughts for long enough, you may eventually believe them, just as you believe the constant barrage of negative stuff you have implied to yourself for so long. Know that you are tough and beautiful and intelligent. You don't need acknowledgement from others to know that. That is part of who you are, and nobody can compromise that. Don't allow this man to hurt you. Grieve his loss and the loss of an ideal that was not worth your pain. You can grieve the loss of the part of you that allowed the situation to be what it was. The grief won't last forever. When you start healing, every day will feel heavy and scary, but don't give in to your fear. Keep pushing through life as if it were the most important thing in the world for you to do (it is!) Eventually each day gets a little easier. The urges to be with him or think of him or read letters he wrote, etc will lessen gradually. Eventually you will have few of those moments wrapped by other, stronger moments where your clarity is your refuge. Hold to the stronger moments, like the one that inspired you to post this thread. One day, you will realize how strong you have become and how much happier you feel. Maybe you will have met someone who makes you happy and loves you for YOU by then. Maybe not, but at least you have YOU who loves you.

I know I am not "qualified" in anyway to give you advice about all this. All I have are my own experiences. I wish you the best of luck, Bri and as always, we are all here to help if you need us.

05-20-2005, 12:03 PM	#14
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	Bri, you are a strong, strong woman. Kudos for being so raw and honest with yourself! You know what you need to do with this man, though. I know you do. It is going to be hard. It may take several tries. It might not. It will be a bitter fight with your own will. The first goal you should set for yourself is to cut it off completely. think of him as "bad for you". The relationship is like cancer. Think of it as ridding yourself of something that is hurting you. You will feel the loss, the pain of not seeing his face or feeling his presence. You will be sad or even regretful at times. But the longer you have contact with him and even the smallest evidence of hope, the longer you prolong your grief and the realization that this man is not the one you should be with. Don't kid yourself and try to think you are sticking with him because you "need" him or that he "needs" you. Don't think the friendship within it, however benign it may have seemed, is a good reason to keep contact with him. There are others out there who would be your friends without the control and manipulation that he seems to extert (whether knowingly or not). It may feel like you will never experience love like with him again, but that isn't true. All of the negative feelings you tell yourself are like chains keeping you from enjoying your life, so try like hell to break loose of them and reinforce yourself with some pampering of yourself....tell yourself you love YOU and how brilliant YOU are and how much YOU deserve to be loved (not used or taken advantage of). You may not believe it is true, but if you bombard yourself with those positive thoughts for long enough, you may eventually believe them, just as you believe the constant barrage of negative stuff you have implied to yourself for so long. Know that you are tough and beautiful and intelligent. You don't need acknowledgement from others to know that. That is part of who you are, and nobody can compromise that. Don't allow this man to hurt you. Grieve his loss and the loss of an ideal that was not worth your pain. You can grieve the loss of the part of you that allowed the situation to be what it was. The grief won't last forever. When you start healing, every day will feel heavy and scary, but don't give in to your fear. Keep pushing through life as if it were the most important thing in the world for you to do (it is!) Eventually each day gets a little easier. The urges to be with him or think of him or read letters he wrote, etc will lessen gradually. Eventually you will have few of those moments wrapped by other, stronger moments where your clarity is your refuge. Hold to the stronger moments, like the one that inspired you to post this thread. One day, you will realize how strong you have become and how much happier you feel. Maybe you will have met someone who makes you happy and loves you for YOU by then. Maybe not, but at least you have YOU who loves you. I know I am not "qualified" in anyway to give you advice about all this. All I have are my own experiences. I wish you the best of luck, Bri and as always, we are all here to help if you need us.