[breakingnews]

I grew up in a faraway place called New Jersey. I was nurtured in the lush suburban landscape and intellectual hub known as Princeton, where I played little league baseball and learned to blow apart model rockets 150 feet in the air. In high school, we were too pretentious to hang out at the mall, so instead we popularized the trend of spending every excess moment chatting in one of the town's dozen coffee shops over $3 cups of iced mocha and hot chocolate. I have never been arrested, but I did have a run-in with police when I threw a party my senior year of high school and three assholes thought it would be a good idea to have a beer fight in the middle of the street at 2 am. Really, the average resident has more intelligence than that, but our adoption of recreational drug use made us fit in nicely with national trends, meaning our above-average town really was no different than the norm.