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The peice fails to make a point. There is no conclusion. Tell me, in one sentence, the point you are trying to make. Every sentence in the article should tie back to it. I know what you are getting at but it shouldn't be up to the reader to fill in all the gaps and trim away the excess.
As it stands, we have two stories being conveyed: you refusing to wear what is required and another character insisting on wearing what is forbidden. Unfortunately, you have failed to make the case why either of you are justified in what you both were trying to do. And to compare your desire to wear jeans to the other character's desire to wear traditional religious attire doesn't elevate your conflict but, by comparison, makes your conflict seem rather trite. She went to court and won. You got detention and had to wear boy pants and apologize.
Then, to make matters worse, you invert the comparison* and use the other character's victory as a justification to vindicate your own actions which lack any of the implied nobility of the other character's actions.
* By leading off with your own anecdote, you are comparing her to you instead of you to her.
Does that help???
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