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I feel for you... when my daughter (also very stubborn) was about 5-6 she decided she just wasn't going to, period. She'd go for days at a time in between, with predictable results. At least your son isn't holding back completely.
Have you tried a mini-toilet seat? Could there be some fear of falling in issue?
Maybe you should just let it go for a while and revisit the issue in a couple weeks (i.e. forever from the 4yo perspective). Frustrating as it is, if it becomes a battle for control, you're doomed.
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