You dive in english weather? Ye gods that brings new meaning to blue balls, and here's me thinking Melbourne in the summer was bad.
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To roughly paraphrase Doug Stanhope, buy the largest sex toy you can find. Cover it with a mixture of melted chocolate and ketchup, and let it dry. Find some flesh-colored foam and rubber-cement a few tiny bits onto the side of it. Wrap it in aluminum foil, stick it in your suitcase, and enjoy the spectacle when it goes through X-Ray.
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"what's this for?"
"I use it to violently sodomise off-duty baggage inspectors"
It's almost be worth the ensuing imprisonment and cavity search.