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Me: Yeah, I need to precertify for inpatient treatment (Translation: Hello, nice insurance company rep. I need to tell you a slightly exaggerated story about why this patient is here at the nuthouse so that I can eat this month)
Care Manager (aka Bastard whose job it is to make sure I don't eat this month): Okay. Looks like he's covered. Have you heard our disclaimer? Precertification of services is not a guarantee of payment (mumbles for another couple of minutes with me also reciting along, since I know the eligibility disclaimer better than they do.) Oh! I guess you have heard the eligibility disclaimer a few times!
Me: Yeah.
Care Manager: All right, let's get started. How did the patient come to you?
Me: By Ambulance.
Care Manager: What?
Me: It's a large vehicle, built on a Ford Truck frame. It's painted white with blue and yellow stripes and has a lot of flashy lights on it and a really loud siren.
Care Manager: No, how did he get to you?
Me: I just told you.
Care Manager: What did he do to get to you?
Me: He held his mother hostage in their residence demanding that she discontinue the study. He threatened to hit police over the head with a large cut glass fruit bowl and made an attempt to do so. He hit the officer in the shoulder instead of the head. He is here because the police failed to shoot him.
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The beauty of the "by ambulance" or "in a police car" is that it works EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME. The response is typically followed by a stunned silence.
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