[lumberjim]

I AM ok.

If she had left a well thought out, winning argument for her right to take her own life, complete with all the reasons and they all made sense, how would that change anything? It would just give us specific points to argue with and resist.

The note said, "I'm so so sorry. I love you so much"

Enough to let us know that she did it on purpose.

Spencer was there. She never asked to be saved, or displayed panic like you would if you had changed your mind about it.

I'm not suppressing my emotions. Emotions arise from the physical reaction to thought. I've accepted the reality, so I'm not having regretful thoughts or entertaining fantasies about how I could have prevented it. Nor am I projecting forward into thoughts about what I'll miss in the future without her. Mostly. I still get sad when it comes up. I still occasionally shed a tear when I do dally into the past or future, but always use that as an alert to my thoughts and bring myself back to the moment.

This thread is about how and why to do that. You're resisting it for your own reasons. You don't have to share, but I think you might want to investigate it within yourself.

You might benefit from this mumbo jumbo, given your health issues and, I would imagine, sense of semi-imminent mortality. My pain from the past, yours from the future. Same balm.

To die before you die is to let your ego go while you're still aware. To allow your ID to come forward and realize that you're just on loan. You will return to the earth from which you came. You can't take a single atom with you when you pass.