01/07/03: Parental love
 

I never understood why I'm supposed to love my parents.

Whenever I ask others about this, they never give me a satisfactory response. They'll typically just shake their heads in dissapointment and say, "That's so sad." And I'll respond, "But why?" And then they'll say, "It just is". This often leaves me just as confused about the situation as before. I don't understand why I am expected to have this emotion.

I do sort of see it as an obligation I failed in. People are <i>supposed</i> to love their parents, right? That's societies' expectation. But I've never been given a satisfactory reason as to why. Also, if I haven't identified that particular emotion, how do I know that I do not possess it? Whenever I talk about this with people, for example, the idea is oftentimes so radical to them that they just out and out tell me I'm wrong. They say that I love my mother and father and just don't know it. What am I to say to this?

The best and most often given reason why I should love my parents is because of all the things they've done for me. They gave me food and shelter, they raised me, they sent me to school, and they taught me about life. My mom would probably interject all the times she had to spend all that money on me, like at the orthodontist. The only thing is, I didn't ASK them to do any of those things. It wasn't my choice, and as far as I knew, they were obligated to do most of them by the rules of society. Why should I love them for something I didn't ask for, and that they were expected to do?

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Well Juju, it's what is called a 'societal expectation'. You are supposed to, therefore few people ever consider 'if' or 'why'. Don't you know it's easier not to think? Society will tell you what you should be thinking/feeling. Trust society. Society is your friend.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Anyway, I've been on both sides. I feel a certain bond with my mom, based largely off of knowing her for so long. She really has racked up quite a few hours in my life. Is this love? Not really. But for most it's close enough. Especially since 'love' is such a wonderfully semi-defined term.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Now, I do love my kids. I base this on my complete willingness to put their welfare above mine. Also, I become irritable if I don't interact often enough with them. However, I played a part in bringing them into this world. (well most of them) So I have a responsibility to them. As I see it they have none to me. I do not demand respect from my children. I do, however, demand politeness and that they develop themselves mentally and physically. I also attempt to aid in these endeavors. I find this leads to respect, and maybe even love from them.

My relationship with my Mom? I love her, but I certainly havent always liked her, couldnt wait to put many hundreds of miles between us. Its taken a lot of time, but now I can see how much she's a part of me, and how much I'm her. Maybe the power thing has been somewhat settled, for now. We are very different people and have intimate knowlege of each other and for all my years of pulling away, I know I will hurt like hell when she's really gone. And if I go first it will be a big hole for her. Parent love is the really slow, molecular kind.

My brother has had a pretty explosive relationship with Mom. Now that he knows the end is near he is making amends as best he can and she's being receptive. Sometimes something good comes from a poor prognosis.

I think it's instinctive. In my opinion, it is an evolved, hard-wired behavior. In humankind's early development stages, the young needed to stay near the parents for survival, so those humans predisposed to fondness and respect for their parents were less likely to wander off on their own and die in their early years, and were therefore more likely to reproduce. Like any other instinct, it is not universal, but there is a strong tendency. Society has then taken this tendency and amplified it to what it is today.

Naturally, parents who are actually good parents will earn an even greater love and respect from their offspring, theorietically. Again, it is not universal.

Then there's a few other ingredients which often contribute some love when combined in adequate amounts, things which develop from a life of being raised by someone... trust, respect, etc. I guess it also helps that one's parents are often role models, and if one admires their role models, they are more likely to love them.

My parents are great. My mom and I don't see eye to eye on everything (she's LDS), but we get along well and have a mutual love and respect. My dad is my hero.

You don't love them because they've given you stuff. Don't we all scorn the idea of "love me because I buy you things!"?

You've spent the formative years of your life with your parents. They've helped you to grow. For most people, of everyone that they know; it is their parents who will stick with them when things get rough. They were the people of your first relationship, and you probably spent at least fifteen years of your life with them.

Moreover, they are you (although this is only potential for love).

"apprivoiser", like in Riddil's thread on relationships.

i don't know why i love my parents. but i'm 600 miles away from them now, and 500 miles closer than i was. i've been away from "home" (VA) for 10 years and i still talk to my mom every day on the phone.... every single day. if i miss a day..rarely..it makes me cranky.

You want me to define why I love my parents?
Because they are there for me through thick and thin. Because they love me. Because I've known them for all of time (as far as I'm concerned). Because.
Do I have to have a reason?
Can you define why and how you've loved a significant other?

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Um, nobody's demanding you define anything. The point is, what if your parent's weren't there for you "through thick and thin?" Would the 'love' still be there? Even if it wasn't would it be okay to "no?"
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; By the way, I don't see any reason to not be able to define the why's and have's of any given emotion, including love. They are something I feel, certainly there is a reason for it and I am the person most likely to know what it is.

i don't think so. i think most emotions can only be defined by stuff around them...circumstances, results, physical symptoms. i think they are defined, not by their true...?selves?...but by the actions and reactions around them.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Really? I find it interesting that you describe the emotions only in present tense. I believe emotions are as much in the realm of cause and effect as anything else.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Or are you saying that emotions are hard to define due to each individual being unique and thus experiencing emotions differently? If that's what you mean then I'll give you that one.