The Thoughts I Don't Speak
 

I should have a stronger support network. Well, I do have people, not many, but I don't talk to them enough about the frequency and intensity of painful issues that I've been struggling with for a long, long time. For various reasons: don't know how, don't want to burden them, afraid of rejection, etc.

I have a counselor, but I usually avoid anything but maintenance work that barely scratches the surface--I haven't opened up about the worst parts. Maybe I should join a group session, and that would help, being around others who might understand. Maybe, but I haven't done any of these things.

The very hard things, sometimes I write in a journal. I think I am going to do that here. It might be the kind of sharing that I desperately need--letting people see some of the things that I always hide. This isn't easy or natural for me.

I'm not sure where this belongs (or if it belongs) but there is a poll above.

The thread is started, do it here.

It doesn't matter in the least. We won't know where it belongs until you unload, but by then it will be established where it is. So just leave it here and tell us what's on your mind.

At times I've understood that everyone shares certain things--being scared, uncertain, needy, but putting on a brave face. Usually I forget this, and assume by default that everyone is above me. My inner dialogue is dominated by negative feelings. I say positive affirmations, and sometimes I can relax a little bit.

But, I don't really face things, I just manage to scrape by, and avoid, delay, disregard the huge task of living the life I have the potential to live. I manage to appear somewhat functional, but my ability to get things done is not good enough, and it's not improving. I'm expending a huge amount of effort just to navigate my inner turmoil. And I'm tired.

I need to meditate, exercise, read.
I need to study, I need to work, I have responsibilities piling up.

I know that things can get better. But... I'll still be me. That's the problem.
I make things hard, and I don't know a better way. I'm tired of lingering between hope and despair. That is the basic overview.

Don't make the mistake of measuring your life and doubts by other people's face book pages. Everyone has that paranoia except the very stupid, and nobody achieves the life they imagine they could.

For example, although for some it's the other way round. ;)

Sounds like you are self aware and know that it's a trap to be thinking like this. But I'll tell you anyway to stop thinking like that. It does you no good.

Sure, thinking about LIFE is scary. So don't think about it. Just focus on the day to day. Make the little daily decisions that will tend to lead you in the right direction, but don't think about it like it's some massive journey you are on, with huge consequences. Just take it a little at a time. The big stuff will take care of itself if you just focus on getting the little stuff right.

In the vein of glatt's advice to make daily little decisions, I have found that a written schedule, as stupid as it sounds, can be tremendously helpful. It takes away the decision making of "Oh god what do I do" and immediately cuts all the "I need to's" down to size.

Program that shit into a device. 9:00-9:15: meditate. Then the phone tells you at 9:15 that it's time to read, and you just do what you're told. Executive functioning, aka decision-making, seems like it ought to come naturally, which only lowers our self-esteem even further when it turns out to be one of the hardest things we humans do.

My :2cents:

I have heard those same shitty things coming from a voice inside my head. That fucker. He has a name, Fergie. I hate that devious, mean, evil rat bastard. He says some *seriously* fucked up shit sometimes. And, I can't shut him up sometimes--that's the worst--when he just hogs the goddamn mike. S. T. F. U.

So. I've learned this coping strategy, which I share with you, and all of you. It works for me and I hope it works for you, if not, I'll give you double your money back, whatever you paid for it. Anyhow, here it is. I *do* have to listen to Fergie, when he drips his poison in my ears, but I don't have to do anything about it. ESPECIALLY act on his words--jfc, there's a scary thought. I can't always just shut him up. But I can always just let him say his stupid shit, let him get it out of his system, then carry on, blithely ignoring his bullshit.

He's no friend of mine. To be honest, he's a part of me. I have negative thoughts from time to time and from mild to extreme. The thoughts, that voice, it might be loud and unavoidable, but it's not telling the whole truth. And I damn sure don't have to obey it and I don't have to believe it.

The grandson and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Is now a bad time to point out that this was my nickname, used by friends and teachers alike, from about second grade through high school?