Post chemo
 

Sitting here with fuzz for hair
detachable fingernails
a body I don't recognize ...

A brain that doesn't work
words that have no meaning
hearing that does not compute ...

I or not-I sit here post-chemo, post-surgery, post-surgery, post-surgery, post-surgery, post ... oh, fuck it ...

nothing is the same
nothing quite computes
nothing looks or feels or tastes or smells or sounds the same
but
staying awake
all night
staying awake
all day
staying awake
no matter what

there is no sleep there is no rest there is no peace there is no beauty

there is only an experience to which no one can relate
there is only loss
there is only pain
there is only devaluing

why stay awake
why try to sleep
why try to breathe

why

Oh, Ortho, that's brilliant. You're good!




[eta] Mind you, this probably should be in the Creative Expression forum.

I'm feeling quite poetically frustrated at the moment. Have been working on three different poems and not one of them have I been able to resolve to my satisfaction. Keep going back to them and footling about and still no clue how to bring them in.

True. Maybe a moderator can move it. It needs work for sure; I shouldn't have posted it yet but it was one of those nights.

Ahhhhhh, a riddle, hmmmm ...

Because it's better to stay a wake than to have a wake?

Well, only you know how you want it to read, but I like it as it is. I think it is amazing.

most of the time when I write poetry it is just the first thing that comes to mind.. and I try to flow with the wind... it's like free style...

I do stream of consciousness stuff too sometimes. Really therapeutic.

But this feels more crafted. I've reread it now half a dozen times. I really like it a lot. It has a deftness to it. Serious but done with a light touch. I love the way the structure breaks down after the first 'does not compute' and the staccato rhythms from the repetitions afterwards. Brilliant.

this line:

Love it.

Thank you, Dana. :blush:
I actually wrote it in one go, late last night when I was distraught. I've been frustrated and/or increasingly nervous over the past two weeks about several issues - memory, my vision, my incredible detaching fingernails, etc. - and when I finally sat down to write something about it, the whole thing just flowed onto the screen.

eta I will say it wasn't exactly stream of consciousness - I did want the breaks and changes of rhythm as they are. But it basically came out the way I wanted on the first try, which almost never happens.

While I'm sorry you've been feeling so upset, this poem really is a gem. I love the rhythms, and that "post-surgery" bit is evocative of the frustrations of having to ensure one procedure after another.

Good one Ortho. You managed that free style thing really well. I end up creating completely mindless word jungle on my attempts. Way to go.