Observations about the tiny town I live in
 

As I've mentioned before we live in a very small village, I've lived in smaller hamlets but this is deceptively small. It's most noticeable when something small changes. For instance last week I noticed that my neighbor's light was on for several nights after 11:00pm. This never happens, so I asked them what was up, they had a visitor. No big deal, it's just funny that I realized I am aware of their schedule without consciously thinking about it. We all tend to notice when something isn't the same.

So last night at about half past midnight I hear this distant barking dog (we have a few of them) and all of a sudden I hear this man's voice yelling "Would you shut that fucking dog up?!"

I knew I didn't recognize the voice, but it was clearly coming form one of my neighbor's houses. I guessed it was the "new neighbors" whom I haven't met because they are only here on weekends from, are you ready for this? The City.

I wonder if I should send them a memo letting them know that everyone in this town is related to, married to, or works for everyone else. They won't get far shrieking the F bomb at midnight.

Cracked me up, though.

you tell your story in your own inimitable way, and the part about "The City" made me laugh. But your story isn't all funny. If a midnight F bomb is a disruption, that's not funny. I like my city, I like my little neighborhood. My area's bigger than yours but we're in close quarters here. I've had my neighbor to the north make the same complaint about my dog, minus the F bomb, from within his house which I heard inside my house. A (very) short time later, I solved the problem at his front door.

Our neighborhood is pretty small though. I know a number of them. Just yesterday I had to break in a new ice cream truck driver for the shorter children of the block. Cause we're all just kids at heart.

Here's the proposed memo:


Hi,
Welcome to the neighborhood!

I gotta tell you that almost nothing pisses me off more than dogs barking except perhaps for neighbors who let their dogs shit on my lawn. THAT really frigging irks me. I’ve been known to go out with a shovel, scoop up the dog crap and deposit it on the dog owner’s porch. I figure if they think it is so wonderful that I would like it as a gift, then they shouldn’t mind me returning the favor.

It’s easy though to think it is the dog’s fault and that dogs are the problem, in my less charitable moments I have harbored fantasies about swiftly dispatching certain dogs. Of course, the real problem is almost never the dog. The problem nearly always lies with the owner. In that regard, owners of annoying dogs are not unlike parents of annoying children. In both cases the purported guardians are merely using their charges to express whatever hostility they feel unable to express themselves. That’s as far as I am willing to go with that line of reasoning without actually schooling in psychology, but as they say, “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”

Speaking of which way the wind blows, I’m going to hazard a guess that you are, like I am, not from around here and probably from Manhattan or one of the five boroughs. There is a family here named “King” They moved here from Bennington, VT shortly before WWII. Around here they are referred to as “The Kings from Bennington.” There is another family that’s been here for three generations, I was talking to the guy who delivers our fuel oil and that family’s name came up, “Oh, yeah. They’re not from around here.” He told me.

They’re not from around here? Shit. By that metric, I haven’t even arrived yet and I’ve been here a dozen years. Gradually, I have come to realize that everyone in this town is related to, married to, or working for everyone else. Some of the family names you hear around here can be found on the revolutionary war and civil war memorials. Think Hatfield and McCoy. The upshot of it is, this is a really, really small village and while you don’t have to be lovey-dovey with everyone, it certainly won’t help your case to alienate people.

The only reason I don’t walk out of my house at night and put a few rounds into the asshole neighbor’s barking dog is I’ll never know when the guy fixing my brakes turns out to be his brother’s cousin’s sister’s boyfriend’s dad; which he probably is.

That being said, if someone’s car alarm goes off in the middle of the night (I mean WTF?) I will give you the bricks from my chimney to throw through their windshield.

Cheers,

Your, for now anonymous, Neighbor

I like that.

Wait. You confronted your neighbor about your barking dog? Was he causing your dog to bark?

Yes, I moved the conversation from house to house to face to face. No, he was not causing my dog to bark. He was just complaining that my dog was crying, a little, let me in please, o please. it wasn't a big deal but it was definitely pissing off my neighbor.

I say face to face, but really, it was more like face to door. He never answered, and he didn't say anything more to or about my dog. Problem solved!

I'd totally have you for a neighbor, footfootfoot. And when it comes time to shoot *my* dog, I'll pay for the bullets and the beer. friggin dog.

I say face to face, but really, it was more like face to door. He never answered, and he didn't say anything more to or about my dog.

Well v if You would have bothered to put your Pants ON he wouldnt have been so freaked he didnt open the door

Butchie the crowing hen is dead; thankfully, Marlon the door-attacking rooster survived, but he and the third yardbird (Chee-Chee) are now terrified and will probably never get over it.

I wasn't home when it happened. I saw the piles of feathers when I got back and there were no chickens to be found, so I assumed they'd been grabbed by a hawk or owl. Spent the evening mourning my poor lost pets...

The next morning, I walked out the door and saw a strange dog in my yard so I chased it back to the house on the lot next door. New renters had moved in a week or so earlier and here she was, in her yard. I approached and asked her to please keep her dog on a chain at all times, as I had pet free-range chickens and they had just been killed the night before (so far as I knew at the time).

As it turns out, the neighbor's dog was the culprit. She told me that she had let her dog run free the previous night (I mean, what could possibly go wrong?), that he'd been in my yard the and she had heard him barking and growling and my chickens squawking....heard the whole thing while it went down. Did she come to my place to find out what her asshole dog had done? Maybe leave a note for me? No. Nothing. Not at all.

WTF? Seriously?

So I raced back to my place, hoping and praying that my birds might have gotten away and hidden somewhere overnight. Found Marlon cowering in the garage, all his tail feathers torn out. Chee-Chee was there with him, but she was ok (she can fly quite well - must have escaped that way). Butch was under a bush near an outbuilding, badly torn and bloody. Still breathing.... barely. No hope for her, sadly.

I hate people who can't (or won't) control their fucking dogs.

Glinda and I are as one.

I was a witness to a dog being shot for killing a pet turkey. Shallow grave and everything.

when we First moved here I Made REAL Friend of a neighbor ,
his Big Mean Red Chow dog came after me ,
this NOT Allowed !!!
A .44mag took care of things ,
he called the Sheriffs dept ,
Dept came out , asked what happened , Listened to Both sides ,
Gave Dude a ticket for letting a vicious dog run Loose

Dude hasn't had a word to say to me since

I am trying not to crack up too loudly-- everyone is asleep.

I feel sorry for the dog.

Stupid hoomin.

(Not you Zip. Dog owner.)

Good .44 mags make good neighbors.