From the Dark Corners of my Mind
 

Today, I felt the fear again. It was like sense of being lost in some vast empty space-whose vastness was beyond all the realities. A huge empty energy nabbed me in the stomach giving me that sense of falling forever. A complete jungle of same senseless questions dressed in enigmatic aura came facing me again. And since they were as always so faceless, so 'nothing-like', so simple and so intricate at same time, I felt the fear. Like a mouse trapped in the cage, I felt the claustrophobia of complete emptiness of universe around me. I had that same tingy sense in my mind that makes me want to go insane sometimes. It’s like curse that doesn't leave me. So many times I try to live like normal people. Every time I end up like a street bulb on a dark street, not knowing what’s beyond the sphere of my light.
The fabrication of reality so often bothers me. There's something so obvious to my senses that I don't know. It might be that this is all like talking in circles and not making any sense. Maybe I am just ‘delusion-ist’, who just articulates demons out of complete logic of sensible existence. But that is what it often feels to my brain. It’s like living on the edge sometimes, always fearing a great fall into unfathomable abyss. Why there is nowhere to escape and what is "me"? Have you ever been lost in the dark corridors, feeling desperately for somewhere to get out? Somewhere you can get light to see around. Or fumbling in panic for the switch that you know is there but just can't get hold of. Imagine being forced to bear such nightmare for endless hours; this might give you some idea. Each fragment of time will pass in a fear of unknown shadows. There will be a constant crawling in flesh in an anticipation of something lurking that is ready to pounce on you.
Perhaps the situation is worst. It’s like trying to find a window in pitch black meaningless nowhere, but being afraid to find the window as it might give you a glimpse into even darker, endlessly gigantic reality that defies all the reality that was ever known. It will be like a feeling of a child in the circus of clowns with vampire teeth. Or it will be like a child's feeling of knowing that all those smiling faces will dig their canines into his stomach. A child's feeling of knowing all this, and also knowing that’s there's no mommy to run to.
If all the tiny sub-quantum elements that they discover are complete universes in their own making, and each of those universes that are created have sub-quantum/atomic elements of their own which are universes of their own making which are.......
Days when the sands in the deserts blew in flick of second, a cuckoo's song lasted for eternity. A song that created a new universe and it existed in all thoughts. There was we, me and you, and all the thoughts, makers of the worlds. Still like the sand we flew, in a flick of a second, and then there was a cuckoo's song. The days and nights and all that is in-between; or the truths and the lies we were told, what have the meaning? Often on the births and deaths, the entropy of something gets disturbed. And I am afraid, the fear of it being so obvious, and fear of not knowing it; but worst of all, fear of being able to know it. Life that was and life that will be, the tiny petals of trees, all the loved ones and beloved, on the blue road that we walk so hand in hand, I am often afraid......there's no road, there's no you, there's no me.

My predictive cure for you: HUBBLE 3D IMAX


This said on the premise of embracing your fears.

Seriously, I was thinking of the movie Contact. You get the sense of your place in the universe or at least the character conveys it very well but I think total immersion in outer space would be even better. I would love it myself.

Could be panic attacks or incipient schizophrenia. Have Dr. Wolf take a look at you, mmm. Maybe not, but I'd seriously talk to a professional.

maybe it's hypergraphia.

I have never seen Nihilism, Fatalism,and Existential Depression amongst so much Quantum Theory. I hope this won't be recurring.

Dr Wolf you are being paged.

In a way, we all suffer from this. Awareness level differ. Realization levels differ. But my experience is that often people have similar feelings if they are peeled to their core personalities.
Dr Wolf, you are included in the patient list :)

has anyone read the OP all the way through yet?

Yes, it presents as the quintessential defeatist mindset. Perhaps indicated are professionally structured confidence exercises after physiological defects are ruled out.

Quintessential defeatist and quintessential nomadic mindsets differ.

I think the writing is wonderful.

Honestly - maybe it's my ageing eyes - but I can't read it. It needs to be double spaced. I keep losing my place.

I know I have had this condition before but I hope it wasn't a whole paragraph or two of single thought sentences.

They all carry a single theme but they all can stand on their own as headers to deeper thought or a deeper conclusion.

I know someone who is like what this reads. I am not saying you are outwardly so wanderer but for the people who act on these thoughts in their day to day life, for them and to me they are a black whole of neediness to which every speck of light and hope is sucked into oblivion.( not anyone I live with fortunately )


I for one do not want to lose my sense of awe and wonder. After just three hours in the company of such a lost soul I feel corrupted and reaffirmed my conviction that I could never ever work in a place where dreary negativism runs rampant.

Wanderer I would be careful as to what these thoughts would manifest as in elderly years. They might find there expression more easily forthcoming due to weakness in the body whereas as a younger person they were safely kept in the dark corners of ones mind.

Well, I thought it was really interesting. I do think it'd benefit from doublespacing, possibly, but nonetheless I found it quite beautiful.

Mental illnesses are often thought to be profound; we imagine they offer additional insight into the human condition.

I think that's bullshit, myself.

Also, smoke pours out of our ears when we try to read it: it's too hard.

wanderer: it's not conventional writing. This is why I like it. It doesn't hand it all to you: "he ripped mah heart out and stabbed me in his Jack Daniel's hearty rage, and so I'm wallowing in pain and misery and...all that other stuff that's a-hurtin'." This is why I like it. There are deeper things out there than "beginning, middle, denouement, end." This is why I like it. It's too hard for some to read. This, mostly, is why I like it. ;)

You may now return to Twilight and Grisham.