Things You Never See or Hear
 

Both from George Carlin

Something you never see: A grown man, naked, running full-speed, taking a shit.

Something you never hear: "Right after I chop my dick off, I'm going to stick this red-hot poker up my ass."

"Hand me that piano"

"Do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone"

"Why, yes, I would like another glass of cyanide."

'Anyone want a piece of pre-chewed gum?'

Unless perhaps attributed to Rasputin.

You know that Lumberjim? What a small head!

No we were wrong the Earth is flat- president of physics

"I was wrong" - TW

what the crap?

HA HA HA HA @ LO123

"Here are your honor cords, Miss B."

"Lookout123, you are very compassionate"

You've got a better chance of hearing that than tw admitting he was wrong. I helped an old lady across the street once and she might still be alive.

Things you shouldn't ever see or hear...

Here, lemme just use your jacket to wipe my nose.